I'm leaving on a jet plane (I know exactly when I'll be back again)

Well, two days from now I will be on a plane to Canada, my home country! With the last 6 months of Highly Sensitive Person knowledge I have acquired, I am feeling less anxiety than usual about travelling. I know what to expect, I know what I will need and I mostly know how to deal with my overstimulating surroundings. Sounds like I am prepared!

Wish me luck on my travels and I will for sure have some enlightening/intense stories to share when I return!

horrible boss/ self discovery

I haven't written anything for so long for two reasons; one good, and one bad. I would rather end on a more positive note so I will tell of the bad reason first.


I have been having some terrible issues with work that made me feel so much worse about my boss and working there than I ever did before. Health insurance is necessary for me to live as a foreigner in Germany, and to have health insurance I am required to have a job contract which shows I earn over a certain amount of money each month. When I started working at this company I received a job contract that was accurate with everything I needed and the government has a copy of this, and so does my health insurance company. Later, without my knowledge, my boss called the insurance company and told them that I was employed as part time and therefore he does not have to pay for my health insurance. But guess what? No one told me that and also the government did not know about this either. So here I am working away since September and suddenly a get a letter from the health insurance company telling me to call and clear something up. Of course my boyfriend had to call and talk with them because my German isn't fluent enough to deal with over the phone business. After I heard the news that no one had paid for my health insurance for the whole year, I was shocked. Next came the news that my insurance was now cancelled. This is terrible because I can't get sick and I need to apply to extend my visa by September 1st and without health insurance it might not fly. And I instantly need to find a new job somehow by this same time that will cover health insurance. So that leaves me broken down, how could someone do that? what did I do to deserve such horrible trickery?


So I went straight to the landratsamt (translates as the District Office.. the place where I have to get all the legals sorted out) to see what could be done. I was allowed to quit my job without worry until September! YES! So, I waited until I got paid to finally quit, and I receive one final blow, I somehow only got paid half of what I should have gotten paid. WHY?! But I had had enough, it wasn't worth staying anymore to try and fight about this money, it wasn't that much anyway. Over the past few days my boyfriend and his family have helped me figure everything out and I now have no worries about my future here in Germany. So to my horrible boss: thank you for kicking me when I was down. you truly were by far the worst boss I have ever had. karma is for real and we will both get what we deserve soon enough.


Now on to the happier reason I have been absent from my new craft (writing this blog), I have been venturing more into learning about my trait of being a Highly Sensitive Person. Originally my eyes were opened by reading Dr. Barrie Jaeger's book Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person, learning and realizing so many things about myself and my life as I went along. More recently, I have been reading the original book wrote about HSP's written by Dr. Elaine N. Aron simply titled, The Highly Sensitive Person. This book which I am about 2/3 of the way through has been making me see my life in a new way. I am able to evaluate my life and realize the reason things went the way they did. I can take what I am learning about myself and use it in two ways, one to stop feeling guilty when I "can't handle things the way everyone else can", and two I can start accepting what my personal limits and strengths are and work on figuring out more realistic standards and goals for myself.


One of my favourite things about life is learning about myself and personality and why I am the way I am so I can move forward and make a better happier life for myself. I have spent the last six or so years working on different aspects of my inner self and life and it has paid off tremendously. I am excited that this time I have figured out the reason for everything, it makes me really happy to know that this battle just keeps getting easier. The inner self always needs work, I am just happy I am at a place of peace with who I am, it makes it much easier to develop.


Now I am going back to reading and I am sure within the week I will be writing about the insight I have gained on being a Highly Sensitive Person!

the emotional roller coaster that is my life

My whole life I have heard things like "you're so sensitive Lee-Anne" or "you're just too emotional". For a long time I believed that I had a problem with taking things too personal, but now I understand why.

Being a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP) affects my life in many ways, but for me the emotional part is the hardest to deal with. I have zero control over my original emotions in any situation, with every emotion. Also every emotion that I feel is to the extreme. In many situations this is great, I can have a real excitement for things in my life. But for the most part it is extremely draining and pretty overwhelming.

I know to be truly happy, outside influences like weather and work shouldn't affect someone, but because I am an HSP, I absorb more from these outside situations hence the overwhelming lack of emotional control. It used to bring me down thinking that my emotions control me, and that it makes me unable to handle situations the way others do. It made me feel weak that I can't just will away my emotions.The phrase, "leave your personal life at the door" is next to impossible for me in any scenario. I think sometimes that being an HSP drives me to constantly live in the now, which sounds like a good thing but often I can't get my mind past the current situation and that can be detrimental to calming myself down and moving forward with my daily life.

The good thing is, once I am able to see that my emotions have taken me over, I can try and come back to reality and use my sensibilities to subside my emotions. This gives me the ability to properly analyze and conquer whatever is going on. Now I am seeing the relation to being an HSP, absorbing more from each situation and taking longer to comprehend it all, but in the end I have a better understanding than many others.

Maybe I will never be able to control my initial emotional reaction to things, but I can try to find ways to catch myself when it is clear my emotions are in charge and if I practice that maybe handling my emotions will become more natural.

I run on love

Yesterday while I was at work I was feeling a sense of emptiness that happens when I miss my friends or family and it truly means I don't feel there's enough love in my life. I start over-analyzing everything and well I had some time to write about it and these were my thoughts

I have this thing where I want to always feel loved and needed, and this can be tricky for me. Even in a wonderful relationship, that love is not enough. I want to bring meaning into the lives of those I care about, and it's really hard sometimes to feel that is happening when I live so far away. A problem that stems from this [(wanting to feel loved and needed)] is it's easy to make myself happy with the love of other people. It distracts me from that empty feeling I perceived as loneliness. So in a sense it is good for me to live far away because I'm not giving myself that false sense of happiness that goes away when I am not with people. 

I get scared when I think that my friends will be getting married and it might not matter if I'm not there, it makes me feel like I'm not a big part of anyone's life. I feel like I've failed as a person when no one needs me involved in their life. It's like I have felt with past relationships, I'm not cherished as much as I feel I should be, and I feel like it's a mistake. I may have many insecurities but I know I am a special person that cares extra about the people in my life. I just wish more people showed me that I'm important to them. It;s hard to feel so much love and not have it returned. 

Thinking about this makes me realize I run on love. It's the most important thing in my life and has been for as long as I can remember. But I need to learn to provide my own love. I spend so much time thinking about how much I care for others I should be spending more love on myself. It's so easy to feel unimportant to people when I give myself that attitude. Of course I am cared about and loved by many and of course I am missed I just wish more people expressed themselves as easily as I do.

While writing this post I got an idea for my next post, the constant emotional roller coaster that is being a Highly Sensitive Person. So I think that's what I will write about next time! 

can a season be a trigger?

Summer is my favourite season, I love the colours and the warm weather and sweet smells. I also love summer activities, swimming, biking, running, bbqing etc.  Summer makes me happy, but for about the last 10 years of my life, summer has also brought a lot of mental pain.  The first time I remember trying to lose weight it was at the end of the school year in Grade 11 when I had just turned 17. That was my anorexic summer. The next summer was the summer I remember arguing a lot with my family, admitting to my mom that I had an eating problem, and certainly not being ready to move away to University. Every summer after that for about 4 years this season meant diet pills and exercise so I could wear all my favourite clothes and bikini’s. One summer it got to be too much for me, the mental effects of my lack of food brought me to a place where weight and food were all I thought about, that was the summer I decided I needed out of this mental hell, and started on the recovery path.

Every summer since then it seems to be the same for me, feelings of anxiety. Wishing it would be easy to turn to my old habits so I could feel good in summer clothes. Feeling sadness that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I have to x out many options of attire I might wear including bikinis and anything strapless or form fitting. Every summer the acceptable length of shorts gets longer for me to the point where this year I hate wearing shorts, I don’t want to, I just want to buy dresses, but again my body type is hard to fit dresses correctly without it being too small on top or too big on the bottom.

I spend so much time lying around hating my body and the fact that I don’t feel like I look nice in summer clothes right now. This has consumed me for so many years. I was going to buy a summer pass for the pool in my village but I am now realizing the terror I feel this summer of being in a bathing suit (not even a bikini) in front of other people. It sucks. I know there are so many others out there that feel the same as I do, and even worse. I have come so far from that first summer, and I would never go back to my old eating disordered habits, but I just wish I knew how to stay positive! I know it helps to focus on what you like about yourself, but lately my problem is I am starting not to like those parts anymore since my recent weight gain due to physical illness and the halting of physical activity for a few months.

I want so bad to inspire others that have disordered eating that there is a better way, but it is still so hard for me most days to like my body and that was always the question “is it better to be skinny and miserable or normal size (feeling constantly fat) and miserable?”

The answer is definitely normal size, because at least I can focus on other things in life besides my body image, and that is worth the most, being able to live life!

The goal: not to care so much about how I feel in summer clothes, and just enjoy the summer!

will I always struggle?

I have been neglecting writing lately because I have been pretty mentally and physically exhausted from my job and losing sleep over it. While I was at work the other day and had some spare time I wrote a little bit on what I have been going through.


Lately I've been feeling more anxiety than usual. I recently started working again, only to find that switching from evenings to days means losing sleep because I am so worried that I need it. My job isn't even hard, the only hard part is that it's in a language I am just becoming familiar with. I don't think I'm worried about it but somehow I'm getting more and more worn down. My thinking is (like I've talked about before) it's time to move on, find a new job, something better. This brings even more anxiety because thinking about what kind of job I would like, that is possible for me to get, is really hard. Near impossible. So what does this mean? Will I always have anxiety with everything in my life? Is everything always going to be so draining for me? The frightening answer is probably, yes. Because I am an HSP, I am effected more by everything. The sooner I can accept this the better. Despite my anxiety about not having an income, I am going to quit my job (unless my working visa doesn't allow a gap for job change, in which case I will continue to be worn down until I can attain a new work contract). My heart is heavy and I know life and finding a new job would be much easier if I can just give this up. It doesn't make me weak, it shows my ability to listen to my needs, which I am finding more and more are different than others, and that's totally ok!


I have been uninterested in food, unable to sleep properly, crying almost every day, just down in general. Finally I started to feel a little more calm and was able to eat and sleep, and today my life was way easier and happier. It really shows how much anxiety can affect my life.

amy winehouse: a diamond in the rough

Something has been plaguing me for over a week and I think it's about time I wrote about it.

Amy Winehouse

To be completely honest I am not one to listen to the radio or follow the lives of the rich and famous. I didn't know much about Amy Winehouse, I had heard a couple songs and knew I liked her voice, raw and with a different edge than a lot of other famous lady singers. When sometimes hearing about her tales of destruction, I wrote her off as another girl starving for attention. When I found out she died watching youtube videos of herself, I think I may have laughed a little, seeing it as an act of vanity. These were all my first impressions because my only information came through hearsay of the media. This must have been most peoples impression of her. 

Last weekend an interest sparked when I heard someone on "Deutschland sucht den Superstar" (Germany's American Idol) singing  Rehab, the only song I was familiar with. I am very passionate about singing and find it really lifts my mood to really let loose and sing as loud and wonderfully as I can, and when being reminded of Amy Winehouse I thought, I would like to learn to sing a few of her songs. Remembering that she died a couple of years ago I looked her up on Wikipedia. There is a lot of information about her musical career (rightfully so), but there seems to be even more information about her personal life, having drug and alcohol problems, relationship problems. It tells a lot about how much the media attacked her. There is slight mention of an eating disorder, but not much information is given as to why these problems were in her life. All that is written is that her parents divorced when she was nine, and she took it hard when her grandmother died because she was a big musical influence for Amy. 

I thought, 'that's it?' really? So I researched further. Trying to figure out what lead her down the path of destruction. I only could find the information that she had been battling bulimia since the age of 17, that she struggled with self harm, that her abusive on again off again relationship with Blake Fielder-Civil was the cause of her drug problem. 

I started to feel more and more sad for her. No one, not even Amy herself, seemed to care about what was really troubling her. I watched a few videos on YouTube, including some from her final live performance , (says Amy is 'drugged out of her mind' but I am 95% sure she is just drunk) and I couldn't help but start to cry. As someone who has battled an eating disorder and drug addiction, I could see so clearly that she was destroyed inside and out. I got angry, why didn't anyone help her? Why did the media attack her constantly instead of trying to get to the root of the problem. Why are the problems of celebrities blown so out of proportion but not looked into further than the destruction's caused? Why was her eating disorder pushed aside to the public when it is just as crucial a medical problem, especially when drugs and alcohol are part of everyday life? Her brother Alex seemed to be the only one that truly understood the seriousness of her bulimia, to the point he expressed it was the cause of her accidental death. I know ultimately Amy was responsible for her own actions and refused professional recovery multiple times but I feel like more could have been done to help. Everyone was too busy gossiping about her bad behavior, but no one took the time to try and understand that bad behavior can also be due to extreme mental problems.

In my opinion, the media didn't pay as much attention to Amy's eating disorder because drug and alcohol problems are more dramatic and also more visible. It is way easier to write a 'successful' story about the antics caused by intoxication rather than the self-harm caused by an eating disorder. It is much easier for the public to handle a situation that seems as though someone is acting out of control rather than mentally out of control. The media had a horrible approach to Amy's weight fluctuation that was clearly due to eating problems. There are many pictures of a skeletal like Amy holding giant bags of McDonalds food. After she quit drugs for good, she appears to "gain weight and have a muffin top" but looking at the rest of her body she is extremely underweight, and it is very clear to me that she actually has the belly bump of someone that is malnourished and addicted to alcohol.

                                          

I wish that the media didn't hold such authority over the lives of the public, as well as the lives of celebrities. Looking into Amy's life was the first time it really registered what kind of impact the media can have for those being reported about. Any celebrity must be in total mental control to not let the masses bring them down. Reporters and paparazzi are like sharks, one drop of blood and from far and wide they come to feed. I truly feel sorry for the continually growing number of celebrities that succumb to the pressures they feel and end up with drug/alcohol problems and eating disorders or intense weight fluctuation. All are seriously harmful to the body and mind. 

It seems unfair to me that just because someone is famous they must remain perfect and in total control. Fame or not, people are people and almost everyone struggles with some kind of mental or physical issue in their life. Everyone deserves a chance, everyone makes mistakes in their life.

Maybe if the media wouldn't have been so consistently harsh to Amy Winehouse, she would still be here.  it is a shame her personal life became more important to the media and to the masses, which in my opinion is what ultimately destroyed her. 

At least we can forever enjoy her musical talent and distinctly soulful voice, and as sad as it is, at least she is now at peace.

stop feeling guilty about setting personal boundaries

I need a boss who understands when I need to take the day off because I can't stop crying. I need a job that lets me set my own boundaries, because I am different. Unfortunately not many business owners are the type of people who would understand that being a Highly Sensitive Person means if I am not on my game, my work will seriously suffer. I do not respond to pressure and criticism but to positive guidance and encouragement. Sometimes life is overwhelming and unfortunately I can't just "leave my personal life at the door" when coming to work. Everything takes longer for me to process and fully understand, I need time to come to peace when something shakes me.

This is discouraged in the work place. I think it is very unfair. I know that some jobs give you personal days, but I have never worked somewhere where I was able to do that. I have never had this opportunity, and actually this is something I really need in my life as an HSP. The ability to say no to life when it gets overwhelming and take time to rejuvenate so I can continue on in peace and with motivation instead of drudging along with resistance. Life is hard and I think everyone should have the ability to take a day off when they are feeling a mental drainage/explosion. Why is it less manageable to get that across in the workplace than having a physical ailment?

I shouldn't have to feel guilty when something is preventing me from working, whether it be mental, physical, personal or not. Normally in Germany, where I live, it is no problem to take a day when you need it, but I don't work at a company that runs with the regular ways so I am out of luck. It is definitely time for a change in my work, which of course brings on more anxiety. I enjoy a lot of things about being an HSP, but sometimes I wish I could just let things go and move on easily, I wish it didn't feel so heavy to jump into something new, especially when it comes to my work. I want to feel purpose in what I am doing, even with the anxiety produced by looking for a new job in a foreign country. I deserve more and I need to learn to not be afraid to go for what I want and need in life. Of course when I say I deserve more, I also mean everyone. Everyone deserves to go for their own version of gold!

stoner queen pt.2

I am never sure about posting what I like to call my raps, because they might not translate as well into poems. But actually they all tell a story and today I will share my most recent rap, and probably the one I am most proud of, about my problems with marijuana

Here we go again, I'm stoned again, feeling at home again,

did you know you're my most loyal friend?
With possibilities that never end, all the rules I can bend, can't wait to tend to my addiction;

it's not fiction, I need to feel the friction in my life, didn't realize the strife it caused,

the fact that I had formed a clause.

Here's to you and me, colour kelly green, have you seen what it brings to me?

The possibility to eat, keep going that sweet beat in my head, get my shit read.

All problems are dead in these moments, trying to own it, condone it, 

the fact that maybe I still can't control it.

it's the opponent, but I thought of us as teammates, we can always relate, when I am in this state,

 I feel fucking great.

Here I see what's going on, when I'm with you I feel calm and strong, time to hit another bong;

this is where I belong writing songs, well, rhymes. No matter how many times I fall, stall,

or hit a wall. I'll turn to you, so true, maybe today I'll make a breakthrough,

move to uncharted territory, as I continue to tell my story.

I have a theory, a query, about why it makes me think so clearly, have more desire,

feel the fire and passion and emotional attachment; give me the will to action,

and without it feel a fraction of the thrill, the pleasure in each day, but am I wasting away?

Giving up on shit before it starts instead of following my heart, there for me from the start

while I'm denying that you're tearing me apart.

And I'd be lying if I said I'd figured this out before now, I'm kind of realizing as I'm writing this down.

Better take off my crown, to being stoner queen,

I'm not trying to be mean but from what I've seen I could smoke most people clean.

Now that's in the past gotta learn fast how to make a vast improvement, in my self development movement. It better not get arrested, but I guess I tend to test it, cuz I'm getting bested,

eyes red, I'll get this yet...

Something I am always working on is trying to set boundries with smoking pot. I find it easier that others sometimes, and I also think pot helps me in terms of being an HSP. I feel it helps ease some of my anxiety throughout the day and can also help me let out my emotions if I have been trying to move past them which for me doesn't seem to work. It can be really challenging for me because I tend to indulge myself with what feels good to me and for me so finding a balance so I can ease my mind but still accomplish what I need to in a day can be tricky. I am doing much better than I used to know that I at least know this can be a problem. There is always room for growth and I definitely keep in mind not to be run by marijuana, but to let it be a sort of therapy in my life.

the worst is over

Recently I started working out again after an excruciating and mandatory halt in physical activity that was forced upon me after two months of battling a UTI while continuing to work at my job. Apparently the physical stress of my job plus the internal stress from anti-biotics, ibuprofen and the infection itself caused pretty intense damage to my core, mainly my stomach and back muscles. As extraordinarily wonderful as it is to be able to exercise and to move without pain, I am now aware of all that I have gained. I don’t weigh myself because I know I personally don’t need to go down that road, and I have a hard time really looking at my body in the mirror for more than a second or two, so it is kind of easy to ignore what has slowly built up over time. It was about 4 months of not being able to get proper physical activity. 

So now when I am moving about and stretching, I feel what I have been avoiding looking at. It is a terrible horrible feeling. Less of my clothes are working for me these days and it is just becoming harder and harder to feel good or even ok about my body. I know that the worst is over now and I am on the path to becoming fit again but this takes time and as hard as I try I just can’t get passed the terrible thoughts and feelings about my body right now. I know it ultimately doesn’t matter but I just can’t get this out of me. I can’t stop wishing that I could be skinny again. I can’t stop hating the fact that I have a normal body now. I can’t stand that I feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend (who I live with) puts his hands on my stomach or legs, and now even my butt which usually I love. 

It really frustrates me that I can’t just accept my healthy body and be happy with myself. I love myself and my personality but when it comes to my body I can’t seem to find a way to work through the hate. I thought keeping positive and the passing time would be the answer but I didn’t realize time meant years. I don’t want to feel negative because I have a great life, and being able to be physical again does really help. It’s just that I spend so much time trying to stay positive and push the bad thoughts out, but they build up inside me and then attack. I have spent some time crying over it and being bummed out that this is still a part of my life but my life was so much worse and I am way better off now than when I was skinny. What I need is to find new ways of combating these negative thoughts and images, I am just not sure of how to do that yet.

take me to 1922 so I can feel like a beauty queen

Today's topic is this image

My wonderful loving boyfriend sent this photo to me today, it is two winners of a beauty pageant in 1922. Along with it he said "now look at that, you would be a beauty queen in 1922! fuck the modern thinking beauty doesn't mean to weigh under 50kg or whatever". He was being super nice, trying to compliment me because the girl on the left is more true to what I look like post recovery. I just burst into tears. I couldn't figure out exactly why it made me explode so quickly, I was fine with it and then BAM it was over. I have been bottling up some body image issues recently because my only way of dealing with it is to not let it get to me and just move on with my day. But I guess inside there is still so much sadness and anger. Anger that this is not 1922 and that is unfortunately not the modern thinking of beauty, and sadness that I cannot healthily achieve this standard. This is of course followed by more anger that I can't just love my healthy body and feel beautiful in it, and then sadness because I see those girls in that photo as beautiful, but I don't see myself that way even though I really do look great (so I'm told). It is really hard. I don't know what to do to get to a place of peace with my body. I love myself and try not to let this body thing get me down because I know it really doesn't need to be a big part of my life but... HOW?! How do I truly deal with this ghost?! I don't want to be haunted anymore.

size doesn't matter

I do not like the power clothing has over me, still. I try so hard not to care what size I am because sizes are different in every store. I am getting much better at not letting the size I have to buy bother me because I know ultimately it doesn’t matter. What still gets to me is when the season changes and I have to figure out if my clothes fit or not, and it fills me up with so much anxiety and sadness every time. I hate it. I know I am way healthier now and I love that but not being able to fit into clothes that I used to fit into makes me feel horrible. A lot of times I avoid trying some of my stuff on altogether because I don’t want the sadness and disappointment that comes along with it. 

Due to months of health/physical issues I know I weigh more than I did last year at this time, and I am terrified of trying on all of my shorts. I know most will “fit” but I don’t like fitted clothes and will feel super uncomfortable wearing them. I was having this conversation with my best friend who is in the same boat as me, and she did a really positive thing that I think I might have to do. She took one look at her shorts, knew they wouldn’t fit how she wanted, and got rid of them! Just like that! Luckily she can afford to buy a couple new pairs! I was so proud and inspired by what she did. I don’t have money at the moment to buy myself some new shorts but I think I will get rid of them anyway, I have plenty of dresses to last me until I have some money in a month or so. It just makes sense to not even go there if I know beforehand it isn’t going to go well. I am also curious if other people that have not battled an eating disorder have the same struggle I am having. It’s way more important for me to feel comfortable in my clothes than to worry about trying to fit into something that makes me uncomfortable and sad. 

job hunting at it's worst

It’s that dreaded time, looking for a new job. A stressful and draining task for most people, but for me this task can bring on extreme anxiety very quickly. To add to the fire, I live in Germany and though I have made great improvements in learning the language I can only carry on a simple conversation, and I cannot speak as well as I can understand. I feel even more anxiety because I am not sure if my language skills are high enough for the jobs I might want to do. Being an HSP also heightens my anxiety about work because I am easily overstimulated and feel I can’t handle “normal” working hours. I tend to choose easier jobs like serving or retail but then I am under stimulated and bored and quickly fall into what the book “Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person” calls drudgery. It seems it will be hard for me to find work in my life that makes me happy or keeps me satisfied for more than a short period of time. Many HSP’s find they are happiest being self-employed. I don’t know where I want to go. I have a University degree in Theater Studies, and since graduating I have wanted to stay far away from that world. I hated most of school, it was really hard for me to stay focused on my studies while battling an eating disorder and depression, and I was forced into taking a bunch of Theater courses that I really didn’t like. I did it though! Forcing myself to finish something I didn’t really care about sucked but I did it! Since a couple years have passed I have had time to reflect on the parts of Theater and studying it that I liked. I am seriously considering applying to a couple of Theaters around the area and hope to get in doing some kind of background or set work. Maybe the Theater would be a nice place to work. But there are only 2 or 3 Theaters around here and I am really scared I won’t get a job.  I have no idea of another job I might be able to handle right now, with my personality and also my lacking of language skills. I don’t want another pointless job. I would love to get paid to write on my own time. That would be an ideal job for me. If anyone has any words of encouragement or suggestions I would love to hear them.

sometimes a dream is just that.

Have you ever given up on a dream? Seriously thought that you could attain it, only to find something blocking the way? Maybe it was an obstacle, or maybe it was the mind. I gave up my dream of wanting to be in the world of acting. I wanted to be involved with television comedy mostly. But I have given up that dream and there are a few reasons but the main one is how skinny most of the woman are in this business. Even worse is how many I see fall from a normal weight to super thin. Super thin used to be what I wanted to look like. Life looks easier somehow for people that have no weight on them. After years of recovering I truly see less beauty in the super  thin than I used to, it makes me super sad that so many girls/women in this business feel the need to attain such an unrealistic standard, they are contributing to the eating disorders of so many girls and women out there. Is it their fault:? To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Maybe a lot of these ladies also feel the pressure to reach this unataniable goal and once they have some money and resources they can actually attain it and perhaps rid themselves of this pressure... That was my fear, the giving in to pressure to look a certain way when I know I cannot achieve that in a healthy manner. I wouldn't want the fame that comes with acting, being watched in other areas of my life. I don't want the pressure to be a certain way, I just want to be me finally. I think that for now that means staying away from the pressures of that world. I can express my creativity and talent in many other ways, and maybe one day I will feel strong enough to try and live out that dream!

the desire for food comes from another place

They always say that having an eating disorder is not really about the food. Well, it becomes a little bit more about the food when you smoke marijuana every day. By a little a mean a lot. *warning, there are some descriptive parts of my eating disordered behavior not everyone will want to read*

Eating disorders usually represent a grasp for control over ones life. The ability to control how much food you eat and when. The ability to control what your body looks like, to hide the horror inside. Pretty much all of that control is thrown out as soon as I decide getting stoned will ease my mind. Not only does the hunger set in even more, but the desire for sugar, food, anything that tastes good, is amplified greatly. I found that by restricting what I was eating in the day would really effect how much I would eat when I got stoned in the evening. I would eat whatever I could. Anything that had sugar in it, anything you could consider a snack. I hated eating meals but would fill my face until I wanted to puke with things that had pretty much no nutritional value. This was my life for a few years. Of course these binge sessions were followed by extreme guilt and the need to purge. But when I say that I do not mean throwing up! Not once have I made myself throw up after eating (although I did try a few times). My ways of purging were through exercise and diet pills/laxatives. What a terrible cycle I brought myself into, and it took way too long to get out of it. But what I did find, was that when I started eating more healthy food, I had less cravings (even when stoned) for yummy treats, and when I did eat them, enjoyed eating less and didn't need to get my hands on every snack type thing possible.

Today marijuana still has a say in what I want to eat and how much I eat. I find that I have the ability to eat way more food when I am stoned and that the desire for food and to cook is way higher. If not stoned then I have a hard time eating enough food and find that I don't care much about meals or different things. It helps me to eat more and healthier, which is good and bad. When I can smoke weed I give myself the opportunity to eat correctly, although I also still eat too many snacks/goodies, I have much more control over it than I did in the past. It is bad because without it I still feel like there might be some lingering behaviors that could creep in without this constant desire for food. An issue I will have to deal with someday but I am not sure how close or far that day is.

stoner queen

thanks to positive feedback left by my question earlier today on Google+ I have decided to share about how drug addiction has entered/left/effected my life. Today I will just share a bit about my addiction and love of Marijuana.

Marijuana (or weed as I like to call it) is by far my favourite drug, inside and out. Now I will also have to tell you that I struggle with needing it at times, I do not want to call myself “addicted”, but there was definitely I time when I was but I didn't know, I didn't realize until I moved to Germany, and because I moved in with a host family, I couldn't sit on the couch with my bong and smoke from when I woke up until when I went to bed. Yes, if I was not working, I would be stoned all day. I didn't see a reason why not. I was getting everything done that I needed to, maybe it took a little longer, but it didn't halt any progress in my life. But I know that I needed it because every time, I would seek it out while I still had some left, I didn't want to be without it, just in case. In case of what? Would I die if I didn't have it? Would one day be slightly more boring? This was a problem for sure. I am not like this now, but I have worked my way back up to several times a day when it is available. Now it is just something to look forward to everyday, before it was my day. Another thing I found when I went from all the time to sometimes was that I wasn't really motivated to do anything unless I got stoned. Even if I didn't feel like doing it in the moment, it would get me excited and make me want to work on something specific later on in the day. This just doesn't seem right to me. Weed gives me more motivation? It also helps me eat. I have so much more desire to eat, and make myself good food, when I get stoned. Recently I realized that I have also been using weed as a crutch in getting over my eating disorder. Food is so much more appealing to me in general when I am getting stoned, like with all people, but for me it is positive and negative. It is good that it makes me want to eat, but it is bad because I still need it in some way. I can go without it now, but I function so much better when weed is a regular part of my life. Recently I have been thinking that this is because I am an HSP and smoking pot really helps calm me down and look at things from a more logical instead of emotional point of view. It dulls my senses a little so I can live a bit easier. Or is this just my normal because I have spent almost 8 years of my life this way? I am not sure, but I am sure that it makes me happy, helps as a sort of therapy, and it keeps me going so why fight it? This is still my reasoning, and I know I am not going to do anything about it. I know that I will continue this lifestyle because it is one addiction I can keep that doesn't take over my life completely, like it and others have in the past.

This is just a little thought process of mine. I have many stories and also have had other drug addictions as well but I thought this was a good place to start. Feel free to ask me any questions!

when worlds collide

I am glad that my post about being an HSP was highly received because that is what I am currently learning about myself and trying to understand. Today I wanted to share something I wrote in  the summer of 2011 that deals with both being an HSP (which I obviously didn't know about at the time) and also with eating disorder recovery. I have many old journal entries I will share over time here but this particular one ties in well with both topics I feel strongly sharing and discussing about and shows how they can effect each other.

I've been feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to, to help me sort my brain rather. It just seems like no one can handle the feelings I'm feeling. The more I improve my eating behaviors the more my anxiety is transferred to other areas of my life. Which in a sense is good because now I can actually start to sort out my life, take responsibility. I'm so afraid of failing at life that it's making me scared of doing anything, of changing anything. But I know my life needs change, I need to find what I really desire out of life so I can get to it! I'm so tired of my emotions controlling my life, I'm sick of feeling like a crazy person. I'm sick of my confidence being so low recently. I'm just having a hard time knowing where to start. I don't want to get used to my body, I want to be skinny again, I don't want to feel chunkiness it makes me so fucking sad. WHY? I've been trying so hard for so long, I've been eating healthy for over a year now and what? Well actually I've made some amazing improvements, but I'm just sooo unhappy in my own skin, and it fucking sucks so much, I don't think I can lose weight in a normal behavior, at least not to my knowledge. I need to go back to counselling, but I can't until September, it blows. I'm a crazy person. Just keep trying Lee-Anne.

It makes me sad to think that I am still uncomfortable in my own skin three years later, and my emotions still take me over on a regular basis. But you know I am constantly growing and gaining knowledge on how to improve my attitude towards myself and dealing with what life brings me, and that makes me so much happier! 

there really is a method behind my madness

I recently discovered that there is a reason I have always thought that I was a little bit different than most people. Though not diagnosed (I live in Germany and at this time I would rather wait until I can engage in a proper examination) I am 90% sure I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP). At first this may just make it seem like I am super emotional (which I am). But when I looked into HSP’s, (I read a book called Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person by Barrie Jaeger, ph.D.)I found that they are 20% of people! I also found out that being an HSP means a little bit of difference in genetic code that allows the senses to absorb more. This means that everything I see, hear, feel, smell, or taste, is more in depth and intense than most people. It also means it takes me longer to fully encounter things because I am taking in more and analyzing everything about it. This also means I am easily overstimulated and need more recharging than others.  

As soon as I read these things my entire life made sense; from having an eating disorder, to falling in and out of depression, drug addiction, having constant anxiety and worry, and continuous extreme highs and lows in my moods. I am different. But now that I know why, I like it. It gives me encouragement to understand why I feel the way I do, and why I feel so much all the time. Now that I know all of this I can take the positive sides of being an HSP (creativity, empathy, passion etc.) and use them to my advantage. I also understand what the negatives can be from this (being overtaken by emotions, afraid of failing or not being loved, being easily overstimulated and rundown) and work on harnessing these into even more positives over time.

I wanted to share an entry I wrote in one of my journals a few months ago just before I realized all of this HSP business because I think it is an honest piece about how hard it can be to feel so much. (It is also the best at times but I don’t usually need to write when I feel happy)

What direction do you want in life? Why don’t you care about doing anything? Why don’t you follow one of your passions? Because I was always told I wouldn’t make it [and to have a back-up plan. I was told] that you can’t make a living that way. So how the fuck do I make a living then? I am not ready to study something in another language. As far as a career goes, I am also not ready to have one in another language, nor do I know what a career even means these days. I don’t have any ambition I’m just learning German because I have to to live here. I wasn’t happy living in Canada and I’m only kind of happy here. When will I stop using my boyfriend as a source for most of my happiness? When will I start to create my own? When will I learn to be positive in most situations? How can I learn to be zen? How can I not let my emotions take me over? Is that what is preventing me from getting to my life? Having no control over how I feel, living my life based on pleasure. It’s not working. The pleasure runs dry and I am left with self-doubt, uncertainty and dissatisfaction. I have no path. I am standing in a field staring at many paths. That’s my problem… I’m just standing there watching these paths get overgrown because I can’t fucking pick one to wonder down. Why am I so scared of living my life? Not doing things is still failing. I need meaning and purpose in my life. My heart doesn’t know what she wants. Or maybe I am just ignoring what she says because I don’t want to know. I need to learn to trust myself and do what I feel is right or needed instead of just continuing on or ignoring things.

A few months later I can say that I feel a lot better about life than I did when I wrote this. Starting a blog where I can share my stories and struggles gives me the ability to do many things I love at once. Maybe this will help me wonder down a path or two, I know living in sunny southern Germany certainly helps motivate me these days!

it's in my head again

One of the worst parts about recovering from an eating disorder, is relapse. For so many reasons. I found that each relapse was worse and more damaging than the last. The thing that bothers me the most about relapse, is how slowly and silently it can creep in, and suddenly snatch you away before you even knew it was coming. I was free from eating disordered behavior for approximately 2 years until I moved to a new country. Away from friends and family, it was easy to slip down the slope from eating healthy to not wanting or caring about food. I want to share a rap that I wrote near the end of 2012 when I agonized for over a week whether or not to fully welcome my eating disorder back into my life

It’s getting in my head again, what has changed? 

Well, almost everything.

I can’t believe it could happen again, not saying it would but i’m rappin’ again

I’m worried because I promised myself not one more time

 But these feelings just aren’t healing and I’m not sure what kind of dealing

I feel like handling right now. 

I’m hoping admitting this won’t make it worse but these words keep invading my mind,

 I’m not blind, I want to listen to them

I know it’s so damn wrong and I’m not calm but there seems to be a palm reading going on

I’m strong but a part of me just wants to give in, like a sin, under my skin I just want to feel thin,

but I don’t want to pay the price, I’ve probably paid it more than twice, but am I willing to roll the dice? This is my warning cry, because if this happens again I might die, I don’t want to try those chances.

 No more dances or romances,

fuck that I’m not even 25 and I still feel so alive I must strive to survive

because now I love life

I just want it to be known that no matter how many times you relapse, or consider relapsing, getting out is always possible!

it will get better

Sometimes I need to read old journals to remind myself of how far I have come and how much happier I am today even living in bad body image prison. It is true. I would rather live here for the rest of my life than spiral into the depths of hell that is having an eating disorder. I know from what I have read that life totally free of Ed exists, but I am not there yet. That's okay though, because looking back on the past few years I can clearly see I am leaps and bounds from where I was, and I am positive that I will not reenter the world of disordered eating. It is hard but SO possible to get here! I wanted to share three short sequential entries I wrote in one of my many journals while going trough recovery (I think these were written late 2009/ early 2010), to show that it is possible to be at a terrible low, and make it out and stay out!

all I can do is think about it, and I hurt. It's the pills. I'm so scared because if I tell anyone about them it becomes real. And I'll feel stupid. I want to feel like people are talking about it. THAT is fucked. I can't sleep because I just want to feel skinny. It's been soooo long. I wish I saw myself like everyone else. I didn't expect to go through this again. It sucks.

I find that drastically altering your eating/exercise habits is the best way to get quick results, but I'm going to suffer. I fucking hate winter, so windy and grey. The flurries look like millions of bugs. I keep trying to distract myself so I won't feel bad. I can't believe I let this happen. I hate saying it because I know it's not really true but I feel so huge. And I feel hungry all the time. Hungry and sick, so sick, what do I do? Love Love, is all you need!!

every morning I wake up feeling sad and lifeless. I must force myself to be happy throughout the day and suck it up so I don't seem selfish or spoiled. And I'm way too needy. I don't know how to fix myself, I can fix everyone else though. I need to learn how to deal better. But I just wish I felt there was nothing I had to deal with. I just want to feel fine. I hate being all over the place. I hate how no one will get it or be able to help me. I hate how much I've been crying. Winter is the worst thing about life. I wish it was possible to fast forward through all this shittyness. I feel fucking stupid.

This wasn't my last relapse, and it wasn't my worst either, but I don't want to share my stories or inside of my mind just to prove how bad things were in my life. I want it to be known that even though things may seem like they won't get better, they can and do! I was so negative about almost all aspects of my life, and now (after years of work) my attitude has changed extremely! My life is better now than I ever thought it could be when I was writing those notes in my journal, I now know that anything is possible with hope and courage!

when eating eats me

The moment I knew it was definitely time to get help for my eating disorder was after I had blacked out in my kitchen. One summer night in 2009 my roommate and I baked brownies for an evening treat and I didn’t hesitate to fill right up on that sugary goodness! The problem was I had not eaten much else the entire day. At the end of the evening we went back to the kitchen to wrap up the brownies and suddenly everything went black around me and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Delusional, I thought I had fallen asleep for about 30 seconds until I realized my roommate had caught me as I went unconscious for about 10 seconds. If I had eaten more food that day I would never have had such a dramatic sugar crash. This story is a great way to introduce what I would like to write a little bit about; the struggles of having and/or recovering from an eating disorder.

At this time it was really hard to talk about what was going on inside my head, I had a hard time expressing that trying to eat was eating at my mind and soul, and in turn I was doing terrible things to my body.  It was embarrassing that I didn’t feel comfortable eating like everyone else, and that I hated being in my own skin. I knew that I needed to do whatever it took to be healthy, and although I was ready, it was extremely hard and seemed like and endless process. I was constantly trying to muster up the courage to talk about it with trusted professionals and loved ones. It was really hard for me to feel all the feelings and anxieties of learning to eat and live healthily, but I found that a great way for me to get out all of these negative emotions was through writing.  I wrote a rap/poem in early 2010 right when I was starting to put an end to all of my eating disordered behavior, that I would like to share, and I think it expresses very well the anguish this situation was causing me.

There’s no surprise you can see it in my eyes, because I feel it in my thighs,

but I’ll keep eating all those pies, cakes and chocolate bars, 
it’s all I think about and it’s hard, it’s fuckin’ tearing me apart,
when all I dream about are tarts.

But eating them would not be smart, cuz it will bring me to the start, 
of this process I call art.

The fucking art of losing weight, and when it happens I’ll feel great.

Succeeding might take away the hate that is filling up my plate.

           I’m sick of being in this state of mind, I’m in a terrible bind,

           I know I’m one of a kind, but sometimes it’s hard to find light,

when all my clothes feel so tight, it keeps me awake at night, 
hoping I will win this fight. But I know it isn’t right, 
because I do this every time, constant restricting at it’s prime,

this many diet pills are fine, does it seem like a crime?

On my insides, and it’s affecting other lives.

But despite this finite point of view, it’s the hardest thing to do,

when all  want is to eat food, but I can’t because it’s rude to my mood and I dilute myself into believing eating is quite crude if I want to feel good nude… and I hate that this is true.

Writing this piece was a good way for me to let out what was going on in my head and also gave some insight into what I was doing to myself. Getting through my eating disordered behavior was the hardest thing I have done in my life so far. It was fully life consuming, causing depression, and anxiety that I had never experienced before. In the above writing it is clear the struggles my mind was going through and all the terrible things I was doing to myself. None of that would have changed and I probably would have permanently ruined my body (or worse) if I would not have gained the courage to seek help. I turned to the help of doctors at the University I was attending, as well as a therapist, and for a few months I also saw a Nutritionist who helped get me on a proper food plan over time. These people in combination with medication and my own persevering and constant efforts got me where I am today; eating happily and healthily and living my life!

 For now I am only sharing this small portion of my story because I would like to inspire and spread hope and for now not go so far in depth about my actual eating disorder struggles. I am open to questions and comments, and please feel free to reach out if you want to contact me personally; I understand the difficulties in voicing emotions and personal thoughts and I am more than happy to listen and help in any way I can! 

live life and love yourself!

something interesting! my pet hedgehog Prinz Igor!

Since my first two posts were more 'from my head' I wanted to post something on the side of 'interesting things'! So hopefully this brightens your day! Here some pictures of my wonderful pet hedgehog. I have had him since the beginning of the year and he has already grown into such a character! I recently discovered how much he loves leather shoes! He also loves sand baths, but he hates real baths! I was considering making a video of him doing his favourite things, we will see.

My lovely Prinz Igor

I'm wondering when my stomach muscles will ever heal.

This is a short poem I wrote last week as a way to let out how frustrated I am with the recent troubles I have had with my stomach muscles. After reading it I realize much of it could also be applied to my body image issues as well.

I'm sick of this mess,
from constant stomach stress
it's making me depressed,
like I can't get enough rest.
I can't remember when I've last been my best,
taken a physical test,
or blessed my soul with sex;
and it's taken it's toll, I feel hexed,
cursed, did I break a mirror?
did I look and see fears or,
was I trying to hide the tears?
I'm trying to switch gears,
but I'm stuck,
so I'm riding up this hill,
without any luck.

apology to girls with positive body image

     This past weekend I was at a big music festival called Time Warp located every year in Mannheim, Germany. Many of the girls there were dressed in a way that I would usually describe as slutty. But then I thought to myself, what makes so many of these girls sluts?

      Most of these girls were actually not dressed to seek male attention, but simply dressed to impress all, and also it was extremely hot at this festival from all the people and all the dancing. I guess why I originally calculated these girls as sluts was because they were wearing clothes that I would certainly not be comfortable wearing. Very short shorts and a lot of stomachs showing, the place I try to hide the most. Almost none of these girls had their boobs out, and even less had on high heels; these girls clearly were not trying to “whore themselves out” like so many girls I have seen in the past.

     These girls did not dress for attention because of lack of self-esteem, it was the opposite. These girls had self-esteem and confidence in their bodies. Something I am trying desperately to build after having overcome an eating disorder. My next realization was that I must have been labeling girls as sluts and hating my own gender for years and I bet at least half of the time it was actually my own poor image of self that led me into judging other girls so quickly.

      So for that I am sorry. I am sorry to every girl that had confidence in her body that I immediately hated on and incorrectly labeled due to my own personal body image issues. I appreciate your self confidence and aspire to have the same positive body image as you one day!