the desire for food comes from another place

They always say that having an eating disorder is not really about the food. Well, it becomes a little bit more about the food when you smoke marijuana every day. By a little a mean a lot. *warning, there are some descriptive parts of my eating disordered behavior not everyone will want to read*

Eating disorders usually represent a grasp for control over ones life. The ability to control how much food you eat and when. The ability to control what your body looks like, to hide the horror inside. Pretty much all of that control is thrown out as soon as I decide getting stoned will ease my mind. Not only does the hunger set in even more, but the desire for sugar, food, anything that tastes good, is amplified greatly. I found that by restricting what I was eating in the day would really effect how much I would eat when I got stoned in the evening. I would eat whatever I could. Anything that had sugar in it, anything you could consider a snack. I hated eating meals but would fill my face until I wanted to puke with things that had pretty much no nutritional value. This was my life for a few years. Of course these binge sessions were followed by extreme guilt and the need to purge. But when I say that I do not mean throwing up! Not once have I made myself throw up after eating (although I did try a few times). My ways of purging were through exercise and diet pills/laxatives. What a terrible cycle I brought myself into, and it took way too long to get out of it. But what I did find, was that when I started eating more healthy food, I had less cravings (even when stoned) for yummy treats, and when I did eat them, enjoyed eating less and didn't need to get my hands on every snack type thing possible.

Today marijuana still has a say in what I want to eat and how much I eat. I find that I have the ability to eat way more food when I am stoned and that the desire for food and to cook is way higher. If not stoned then I have a hard time eating enough food and find that I don't care much about meals or different things. It helps me to eat more and healthier, which is good and bad. When I can smoke weed I give myself the opportunity to eat correctly, although I also still eat too many snacks/goodies, I have much more control over it than I did in the past. It is bad because without it I still feel like there might be some lingering behaviors that could creep in without this constant desire for food. An issue I will have to deal with someday but I am not sure how close or far that day is.