when worlds collide

I am glad that my post about being an HSP was highly received because that is what I am currently learning about myself and trying to understand. Today I wanted to share something I wrote in  the summer of 2011 that deals with both being an HSP (which I obviously didn't know about at the time) and also with eating disorder recovery. I have many old journal entries I will share over time here but this particular one ties in well with both topics I feel strongly sharing and discussing about and shows how they can effect each other.

I've been feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to, to help me sort my brain rather. It just seems like no one can handle the feelings I'm feeling. The more I improve my eating behaviors the more my anxiety is transferred to other areas of my life. Which in a sense is good because now I can actually start to sort out my life, take responsibility. I'm so afraid of failing at life that it's making me scared of doing anything, of changing anything. But I know my life needs change, I need to find what I really desire out of life so I can get to it! I'm so tired of my emotions controlling my life, I'm sick of feeling like a crazy person. I'm sick of my confidence being so low recently. I'm just having a hard time knowing where to start. I don't want to get used to my body, I want to be skinny again, I don't want to feel chunkiness it makes me so fucking sad. WHY? I've been trying so hard for so long, I've been eating healthy for over a year now and what? Well actually I've made some amazing improvements, but I'm just sooo unhappy in my own skin, and it fucking sucks so much, I don't think I can lose weight in a normal behavior, at least not to my knowledge. I need to go back to counselling, but I can't until September, it blows. I'm a crazy person. Just keep trying Lee-Anne.

It makes me sad to think that I am still uncomfortable in my own skin three years later, and my emotions still take me over on a regular basis. But you know I am constantly growing and gaining knowledge on how to improve my attitude towards myself and dealing with what life brings me, and that makes me so much happier! 

there really is a method behind my madness

I recently discovered that there is a reason I have always thought that I was a little bit different than most people. Though not diagnosed (I live in Germany and at this time I would rather wait until I can engage in a proper examination) I am 90% sure I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP). At first this may just make it seem like I am super emotional (which I am). But when I looked into HSP’s, (I read a book called Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person by Barrie Jaeger, ph.D.)I found that they are 20% of people! I also found out that being an HSP means a little bit of difference in genetic code that allows the senses to absorb more. This means that everything I see, hear, feel, smell, or taste, is more in depth and intense than most people. It also means it takes me longer to fully encounter things because I am taking in more and analyzing everything about it. This also means I am easily overstimulated and need more recharging than others.  

As soon as I read these things my entire life made sense; from having an eating disorder, to falling in and out of depression, drug addiction, having constant anxiety and worry, and continuous extreme highs and lows in my moods. I am different. But now that I know why, I like it. It gives me encouragement to understand why I feel the way I do, and why I feel so much all the time. Now that I know all of this I can take the positive sides of being an HSP (creativity, empathy, passion etc.) and use them to my advantage. I also understand what the negatives can be from this (being overtaken by emotions, afraid of failing or not being loved, being easily overstimulated and rundown) and work on harnessing these into even more positives over time.

I wanted to share an entry I wrote in one of my journals a few months ago just before I realized all of this HSP business because I think it is an honest piece about how hard it can be to feel so much. (It is also the best at times but I don’t usually need to write when I feel happy)

What direction do you want in life? Why don’t you care about doing anything? Why don’t you follow one of your passions? Because I was always told I wouldn’t make it [and to have a back-up plan. I was told] that you can’t make a living that way. So how the fuck do I make a living then? I am not ready to study something in another language. As far as a career goes, I am also not ready to have one in another language, nor do I know what a career even means these days. I don’t have any ambition I’m just learning German because I have to to live here. I wasn’t happy living in Canada and I’m only kind of happy here. When will I stop using my boyfriend as a source for most of my happiness? When will I start to create my own? When will I learn to be positive in most situations? How can I learn to be zen? How can I not let my emotions take me over? Is that what is preventing me from getting to my life? Having no control over how I feel, living my life based on pleasure. It’s not working. The pleasure runs dry and I am left with self-doubt, uncertainty and dissatisfaction. I have no path. I am standing in a field staring at many paths. That’s my problem… I’m just standing there watching these paths get overgrown because I can’t fucking pick one to wonder down. Why am I so scared of living my life? Not doing things is still failing. I need meaning and purpose in my life. My heart doesn’t know what she wants. Or maybe I am just ignoring what she says because I don’t want to know. I need to learn to trust myself and do what I feel is right or needed instead of just continuing on or ignoring things.

A few months later I can say that I feel a lot better about life than I did when I wrote this. Starting a blog where I can share my stories and struggles gives me the ability to do many things I love at once. Maybe this will help me wonder down a path or two, I know living in sunny southern Germany certainly helps motivate me these days!

it's in my head again

One of the worst parts about recovering from an eating disorder, is relapse. For so many reasons. I found that each relapse was worse and more damaging than the last. The thing that bothers me the most about relapse, is how slowly and silently it can creep in, and suddenly snatch you away before you even knew it was coming. I was free from eating disordered behavior for approximately 2 years until I moved to a new country. Away from friends and family, it was easy to slip down the slope from eating healthy to not wanting or caring about food. I want to share a rap that I wrote near the end of 2012 when I agonized for over a week whether or not to fully welcome my eating disorder back into my life

It’s getting in my head again, what has changed? 

Well, almost everything.

I can’t believe it could happen again, not saying it would but i’m rappin’ again

I’m worried because I promised myself not one more time

 But these feelings just aren’t healing and I’m not sure what kind of dealing

I feel like handling right now. 

I’m hoping admitting this won’t make it worse but these words keep invading my mind,

 I’m not blind, I want to listen to them

I know it’s so damn wrong and I’m not calm but there seems to be a palm reading going on

I’m strong but a part of me just wants to give in, like a sin, under my skin I just want to feel thin,

but I don’t want to pay the price, I’ve probably paid it more than twice, but am I willing to roll the dice? This is my warning cry, because if this happens again I might die, I don’t want to try those chances.

 No more dances or romances,

fuck that I’m not even 25 and I still feel so alive I must strive to survive

because now I love life

I just want it to be known that no matter how many times you relapse, or consider relapsing, getting out is always possible!

it will get better

Sometimes I need to read old journals to remind myself of how far I have come and how much happier I am today even living in bad body image prison. It is true. I would rather live here for the rest of my life than spiral into the depths of hell that is having an eating disorder. I know from what I have read that life totally free of Ed exists, but I am not there yet. That's okay though, because looking back on the past few years I can clearly see I am leaps and bounds from where I was, and I am positive that I will not reenter the world of disordered eating. It is hard but SO possible to get here! I wanted to share three short sequential entries I wrote in one of my many journals while going trough recovery (I think these were written late 2009/ early 2010), to show that it is possible to be at a terrible low, and make it out and stay out!

all I can do is think about it, and I hurt. It's the pills. I'm so scared because if I tell anyone about them it becomes real. And I'll feel stupid. I want to feel like people are talking about it. THAT is fucked. I can't sleep because I just want to feel skinny. It's been soooo long. I wish I saw myself like everyone else. I didn't expect to go through this again. It sucks.

I find that drastically altering your eating/exercise habits is the best way to get quick results, but I'm going to suffer. I fucking hate winter, so windy and grey. The flurries look like millions of bugs. I keep trying to distract myself so I won't feel bad. I can't believe I let this happen. I hate saying it because I know it's not really true but I feel so huge. And I feel hungry all the time. Hungry and sick, so sick, what do I do? Love Love, is all you need!!

every morning I wake up feeling sad and lifeless. I must force myself to be happy throughout the day and suck it up so I don't seem selfish or spoiled. And I'm way too needy. I don't know how to fix myself, I can fix everyone else though. I need to learn how to deal better. But I just wish I felt there was nothing I had to deal with. I just want to feel fine. I hate being all over the place. I hate how no one will get it or be able to help me. I hate how much I've been crying. Winter is the worst thing about life. I wish it was possible to fast forward through all this shittyness. I feel fucking stupid.

This wasn't my last relapse, and it wasn't my worst either, but I don't want to share my stories or inside of my mind just to prove how bad things were in my life. I want it to be known that even though things may seem like they won't get better, they can and do! I was so negative about almost all aspects of my life, and now (after years of work) my attitude has changed extremely! My life is better now than I ever thought it could be when I was writing those notes in my journal, I now know that anything is possible with hope and courage!

when eating eats me

The moment I knew it was definitely time to get help for my eating disorder was after I had blacked out in my kitchen. One summer night in 2009 my roommate and I baked brownies for an evening treat and I didn’t hesitate to fill right up on that sugary goodness! The problem was I had not eaten much else the entire day. At the end of the evening we went back to the kitchen to wrap up the brownies and suddenly everything went black around me and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Delusional, I thought I had fallen asleep for about 30 seconds until I realized my roommate had caught me as I went unconscious for about 10 seconds. If I had eaten more food that day I would never have had such a dramatic sugar crash. This story is a great way to introduce what I would like to write a little bit about; the struggles of having and/or recovering from an eating disorder.

At this time it was really hard to talk about what was going on inside my head, I had a hard time expressing that trying to eat was eating at my mind and soul, and in turn I was doing terrible things to my body.  It was embarrassing that I didn’t feel comfortable eating like everyone else, and that I hated being in my own skin. I knew that I needed to do whatever it took to be healthy, and although I was ready, it was extremely hard and seemed like and endless process. I was constantly trying to muster up the courage to talk about it with trusted professionals and loved ones. It was really hard for me to feel all the feelings and anxieties of learning to eat and live healthily, but I found that a great way for me to get out all of these negative emotions was through writing.  I wrote a rap/poem in early 2010 right when I was starting to put an end to all of my eating disordered behavior, that I would like to share, and I think it expresses very well the anguish this situation was causing me.

There’s no surprise you can see it in my eyes, because I feel it in my thighs,

but I’ll keep eating all those pies, cakes and chocolate bars, 
it’s all I think about and it’s hard, it’s fuckin’ tearing me apart,
when all I dream about are tarts.

But eating them would not be smart, cuz it will bring me to the start, 
of this process I call art.

The fucking art of losing weight, and when it happens I’ll feel great.

Succeeding might take away the hate that is filling up my plate.

           I’m sick of being in this state of mind, I’m in a terrible bind,

           I know I’m one of a kind, but sometimes it’s hard to find light,

when all my clothes feel so tight, it keeps me awake at night, 
hoping I will win this fight. But I know it isn’t right, 
because I do this every time, constant restricting at it’s prime,

this many diet pills are fine, does it seem like a crime?

On my insides, and it’s affecting other lives.

But despite this finite point of view, it’s the hardest thing to do,

when all  want is to eat food, but I can’t because it’s rude to my mood and I dilute myself into believing eating is quite crude if I want to feel good nude… and I hate that this is true.

Writing this piece was a good way for me to let out what was going on in my head and also gave some insight into what I was doing to myself. Getting through my eating disordered behavior was the hardest thing I have done in my life so far. It was fully life consuming, causing depression, and anxiety that I had never experienced before. In the above writing it is clear the struggles my mind was going through and all the terrible things I was doing to myself. None of that would have changed and I probably would have permanently ruined my body (or worse) if I would not have gained the courage to seek help. I turned to the help of doctors at the University I was attending, as well as a therapist, and for a few months I also saw a Nutritionist who helped get me on a proper food plan over time. These people in combination with medication and my own persevering and constant efforts got me where I am today; eating happily and healthily and living my life!

 For now I am only sharing this small portion of my story because I would like to inspire and spread hope and for now not go so far in depth about my actual eating disorder struggles. I am open to questions and comments, and please feel free to reach out if you want to contact me personally; I understand the difficulties in voicing emotions and personal thoughts and I am more than happy to listen and help in any way I can! 

live life and love yourself!

apology to girls with positive body image

     This past weekend I was at a big music festival called Time Warp located every year in Mannheim, Germany. Many of the girls there were dressed in a way that I would usually describe as slutty. But then I thought to myself, what makes so many of these girls sluts?

      Most of these girls were actually not dressed to seek male attention, but simply dressed to impress all, and also it was extremely hot at this festival from all the people and all the dancing. I guess why I originally calculated these girls as sluts was because they were wearing clothes that I would certainly not be comfortable wearing. Very short shorts and a lot of stomachs showing, the place I try to hide the most. Almost none of these girls had their boobs out, and even less had on high heels; these girls clearly were not trying to “whore themselves out” like so many girls I have seen in the past.

     These girls did not dress for attention because of lack of self-esteem, it was the opposite. These girls had self-esteem and confidence in their bodies. Something I am trying desperately to build after having overcome an eating disorder. My next realization was that I must have been labeling girls as sluts and hating my own gender for years and I bet at least half of the time it was actually my own poor image of self that led me into judging other girls so quickly.

      So for that I am sorry. I am sorry to every girl that had confidence in her body that I immediately hated on and incorrectly labeled due to my own personal body image issues. I appreciate your self confidence and aspire to have the same positive body image as you one day!