just care more about yourself

There’s so much inside of me I can’t even think of where to begin. I feel sad and defeated, like a lost puppy. I feel like when I need love the most, a friendship, a relationship, someone to count on… I’m coming up empty. It’s like my sense of need has actually scared away/annoyed the only people in my life that cared about me. Now they don’t even want to hear what comes out of my mouth.  Everything to do with me is old news, they've heard it all before, like they just want me to get a grip. Take control of your own life like everyone else. I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

Fuck you for thinking that “getting better”, means I will be “a normal person”. NOPE. NEVER. Either get used to it or maybe you can’t be in my life. For such a wonderful like-able person, I sure feel unlovable. Or, unloved. Even my less close friends don’t message me back. My dad always told me to let go, fuck ‘em. Do your own thing and they will come around. But what if they don’t? What if pulling back makes them realize I’m not important in their lives. Also I now have this feeling like I don’t give a fuck anymore or even want to try, at all. I feel rejected and that makes me want to pull all the way back. But now I have an underlying sadness, like ok I’m on my own now time to make myself happy, I don’t want to inconvenience you at all by being around, I don’t want to take up any more of your life with what’s going on inside of me. Well then how the hell am I supposed to let it all out?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

 I can't hold in all of this sadness, all of this doubt. But I can't talk to anyone about it because it is just annoying now. I feel super stuck and as much as I can try and do my own thing and make myself happy that won't take away my need for love, especially from my own boyfriend. I know that feeling un-cared about or that I'm annoying  or uninteresting means I need to care about myself and focus on my own interests, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing how alone I actually am. I’m scared I’m going to ruin every relationship because I care too much, put too much effort into my partner and lose myself, making my partner start to resent me. I expect so much because that’s what I want to give, but it seems like I’m just too much to handle. I don’t really know where to go from here. I miss having a therapist. 

I'm leaving on a jet plane (I know exactly when I'll be back again)

Well, two days from now I will be on a plane to Canada, my home country! With the last 6 months of Highly Sensitive Person knowledge I have acquired, I am feeling less anxiety than usual about travelling. I know what to expect, I know what I will need and I mostly know how to deal with my overstimulating surroundings. Sounds like I am prepared!

Wish me luck on my travels and I will for sure have some enlightening/intense stories to share when I return!

can a season be a trigger?

Summer is my favourite season, I love the colours and the warm weather and sweet smells. I also love summer activities, swimming, biking, running, bbqing etc.  Summer makes me happy, but for about the last 10 years of my life, summer has also brought a lot of mental pain.  The first time I remember trying to lose weight it was at the end of the school year in Grade 11 when I had just turned 17. That was my anorexic summer. The next summer was the summer I remember arguing a lot with my family, admitting to my mom that I had an eating problem, and certainly not being ready to move away to University. Every summer after that for about 4 years this season meant diet pills and exercise so I could wear all my favourite clothes and bikini’s. One summer it got to be too much for me, the mental effects of my lack of food brought me to a place where weight and food were all I thought about, that was the summer I decided I needed out of this mental hell, and started on the recovery path.

Every summer since then it seems to be the same for me, feelings of anxiety. Wishing it would be easy to turn to my old habits so I could feel good in summer clothes. Feeling sadness that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I have to x out many options of attire I might wear including bikinis and anything strapless or form fitting. Every summer the acceptable length of shorts gets longer for me to the point where this year I hate wearing shorts, I don’t want to, I just want to buy dresses, but again my body type is hard to fit dresses correctly without it being too small on top or too big on the bottom.

I spend so much time lying around hating my body and the fact that I don’t feel like I look nice in summer clothes right now. This has consumed me for so many years. I was going to buy a summer pass for the pool in my village but I am now realizing the terror I feel this summer of being in a bathing suit (not even a bikini) in front of other people. It sucks. I know there are so many others out there that feel the same as I do, and even worse. I have come so far from that first summer, and I would never go back to my old eating disordered habits, but I just wish I knew how to stay positive! I know it helps to focus on what you like about yourself, but lately my problem is I am starting not to like those parts anymore since my recent weight gain due to physical illness and the halting of physical activity for a few months.

I want so bad to inspire others that have disordered eating that there is a better way, but it is still so hard for me most days to like my body and that was always the question “is it better to be skinny and miserable or normal size (feeling constantly fat) and miserable?”

The answer is definitely normal size, because at least I can focus on other things in life besides my body image, and that is worth the most, being able to live life!

The goal: not to care so much about how I feel in summer clothes, and just enjoy the summer!

will I always struggle?

I have been neglecting writing lately because I have been pretty mentally and physically exhausted from my job and losing sleep over it. While I was at work the other day and had some spare time I wrote a little bit on what I have been going through.


Lately I've been feeling more anxiety than usual. I recently started working again, only to find that switching from evenings to days means losing sleep because I am so worried that I need it. My job isn't even hard, the only hard part is that it's in a language I am just becoming familiar with. I don't think I'm worried about it but somehow I'm getting more and more worn down. My thinking is (like I've talked about before) it's time to move on, find a new job, something better. This brings even more anxiety because thinking about what kind of job I would like, that is possible for me to get, is really hard. Near impossible. So what does this mean? Will I always have anxiety with everything in my life? Is everything always going to be so draining for me? The frightening answer is probably, yes. Because I am an HSP, I am effected more by everything. The sooner I can accept this the better. Despite my anxiety about not having an income, I am going to quit my job (unless my working visa doesn't allow a gap for job change, in which case I will continue to be worn down until I can attain a new work contract). My heart is heavy and I know life and finding a new job would be much easier if I can just give this up. It doesn't make me weak, it shows my ability to listen to my needs, which I am finding more and more are different than others, and that's totally ok!


I have been uninterested in food, unable to sleep properly, crying almost every day, just down in general. Finally I started to feel a little more calm and was able to eat and sleep, and today my life was way easier and happier. It really shows how much anxiety can affect my life.

stop feeling guilty about setting personal boundaries

I need a boss who understands when I need to take the day off because I can't stop crying. I need a job that lets me set my own boundaries, because I am different. Unfortunately not many business owners are the type of people who would understand that being a Highly Sensitive Person means if I am not on my game, my work will seriously suffer. I do not respond to pressure and criticism but to positive guidance and encouragement. Sometimes life is overwhelming and unfortunately I can't just "leave my personal life at the door" when coming to work. Everything takes longer for me to process and fully understand, I need time to come to peace when something shakes me.

This is discouraged in the work place. I think it is very unfair. I know that some jobs give you personal days, but I have never worked somewhere where I was able to do that. I have never had this opportunity, and actually this is something I really need in my life as an HSP. The ability to say no to life when it gets overwhelming and take time to rejuvenate so I can continue on in peace and with motivation instead of drudging along with resistance. Life is hard and I think everyone should have the ability to take a day off when they are feeling a mental drainage/explosion. Why is it less manageable to get that across in the workplace than having a physical ailment?

I shouldn't have to feel guilty when something is preventing me from working, whether it be mental, physical, personal or not. Normally in Germany, where I live, it is no problem to take a day when you need it, but I don't work at a company that runs with the regular ways so I am out of luck. It is definitely time for a change in my work, which of course brings on more anxiety. I enjoy a lot of things about being an HSP, but sometimes I wish I could just let things go and move on easily, I wish it didn't feel so heavy to jump into something new, especially when it comes to my work. I want to feel purpose in what I am doing, even with the anxiety produced by looking for a new job in a foreign country. I deserve more and I need to learn to not be afraid to go for what I want and need in life. Of course when I say I deserve more, I also mean everyone. Everyone deserves to go for their own version of gold!

stoner queen pt.2

I am never sure about posting what I like to call my raps, because they might not translate as well into poems. But actually they all tell a story and today I will share my most recent rap, and probably the one I am most proud of, about my problems with marijuana

Here we go again, I'm stoned again, feeling at home again,

did you know you're my most loyal friend?
With possibilities that never end, all the rules I can bend, can't wait to tend to my addiction;

it's not fiction, I need to feel the friction in my life, didn't realize the strife it caused,

the fact that I had formed a clause.

Here's to you and me, colour kelly green, have you seen what it brings to me?

The possibility to eat, keep going that sweet beat in my head, get my shit read.

All problems are dead in these moments, trying to own it, condone it, 

the fact that maybe I still can't control it.

it's the opponent, but I thought of us as teammates, we can always relate, when I am in this state,

 I feel fucking great.

Here I see what's going on, when I'm with you I feel calm and strong, time to hit another bong;

this is where I belong writing songs, well, rhymes. No matter how many times I fall, stall,

or hit a wall. I'll turn to you, so true, maybe today I'll make a breakthrough,

move to uncharted territory, as I continue to tell my story.

I have a theory, a query, about why it makes me think so clearly, have more desire,

feel the fire and passion and emotional attachment; give me the will to action,

and without it feel a fraction of the thrill, the pleasure in each day, but am I wasting away?

Giving up on shit before it starts instead of following my heart, there for me from the start

while I'm denying that you're tearing me apart.

And I'd be lying if I said I'd figured this out before now, I'm kind of realizing as I'm writing this down.

Better take off my crown, to being stoner queen,

I'm not trying to be mean but from what I've seen I could smoke most people clean.

Now that's in the past gotta learn fast how to make a vast improvement, in my self development movement. It better not get arrested, but I guess I tend to test it, cuz I'm getting bested,

eyes red, I'll get this yet...

Something I am always working on is trying to set boundries with smoking pot. I find it easier that others sometimes, and I also think pot helps me in terms of being an HSP. I feel it helps ease some of my anxiety throughout the day and can also help me let out my emotions if I have been trying to move past them which for me doesn't seem to work. It can be really challenging for me because I tend to indulge myself with what feels good to me and for me so finding a balance so I can ease my mind but still accomplish what I need to in a day can be tricky. I am doing much better than I used to know that I at least know this can be a problem. There is always room for growth and I definitely keep in mind not to be run by marijuana, but to let it be a sort of therapy in my life.

the worst is over

Recently I started working out again after an excruciating and mandatory halt in physical activity that was forced upon me after two months of battling a UTI while continuing to work at my job. Apparently the physical stress of my job plus the internal stress from anti-biotics, ibuprofen and the infection itself caused pretty intense damage to my core, mainly my stomach and back muscles. As extraordinarily wonderful as it is to be able to exercise and to move without pain, I am now aware of all that I have gained. I don’t weigh myself because I know I personally don’t need to go down that road, and I have a hard time really looking at my body in the mirror for more than a second or two, so it is kind of easy to ignore what has slowly built up over time. It was about 4 months of not being able to get proper physical activity. 

So now when I am moving about and stretching, I feel what I have been avoiding looking at. It is a terrible horrible feeling. Less of my clothes are working for me these days and it is just becoming harder and harder to feel good or even ok about my body. I know that the worst is over now and I am on the path to becoming fit again but this takes time and as hard as I try I just can’t get passed the terrible thoughts and feelings about my body right now. I know it ultimately doesn’t matter but I just can’t get this out of me. I can’t stop wishing that I could be skinny again. I can’t stop hating the fact that I have a normal body now. I can’t stand that I feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend (who I live with) puts his hands on my stomach or legs, and now even my butt which usually I love. 

It really frustrates me that I can’t just accept my healthy body and be happy with myself. I love myself and my personality but when it comes to my body I can’t seem to find a way to work through the hate. I thought keeping positive and the passing time would be the answer but I didn’t realize time meant years. I don’t want to feel negative because I have a great life, and being able to be physical again does really help. It’s just that I spend so much time trying to stay positive and push the bad thoughts out, but they build up inside me and then attack. I have spent some time crying over it and being bummed out that this is still a part of my life but my life was so much worse and I am way better off now than when I was skinny. What I need is to find new ways of combating these negative thoughts and images, I am just not sure of how to do that yet.

size doesn't matter

I do not like the power clothing has over me, still. I try so hard not to care what size I am because sizes are different in every store. I am getting much better at not letting the size I have to buy bother me because I know ultimately it doesn’t matter. What still gets to me is when the season changes and I have to figure out if my clothes fit or not, and it fills me up with so much anxiety and sadness every time. I hate it. I know I am way healthier now and I love that but not being able to fit into clothes that I used to fit into makes me feel horrible. A lot of times I avoid trying some of my stuff on altogether because I don’t want the sadness and disappointment that comes along with it. 

Due to months of health/physical issues I know I weigh more than I did last year at this time, and I am terrified of trying on all of my shorts. I know most will “fit” but I don’t like fitted clothes and will feel super uncomfortable wearing them. I was having this conversation with my best friend who is in the same boat as me, and she did a really positive thing that I think I might have to do. She took one look at her shorts, knew they wouldn’t fit how she wanted, and got rid of them! Just like that! Luckily she can afford to buy a couple new pairs! I was so proud and inspired by what she did. I don’t have money at the moment to buy myself some new shorts but I think I will get rid of them anyway, I have plenty of dresses to last me until I have some money in a month or so. It just makes sense to not even go there if I know beforehand it isn’t going to go well. I am also curious if other people that have not battled an eating disorder have the same struggle I am having. It’s way more important for me to feel comfortable in my clothes than to worry about trying to fit into something that makes me uncomfortable and sad.