all you need is love

One of my favourite sayings is “all you need is love”. The problem, I am realizing with that phrase, is that most of the love that you will want or need in your life comes from yourself. It has to! Even the people that do really and truly love you get sick of you from time to time or need their love for other purposes. Love needs to come from within. Why is that such a hard thing for me to remember/practice? Why do I get so easily out of balance and feel the opposite; like all the love needs to come from outside of me, to make me feel good again. That clearly isn’t the answer but it’s really hard to build yourself back up from that.

I feel like I’m at such a low right now, sick of almost everything in my life and unsure of where to really go from here. Of course I have moments of happiness but underneath everything I just feel like I’m failing at life, letting down the people who had high reverence for me, changing their opinion of who I am, coming to decisions I cannot control and I hope that this low doesn’t cause too much damage. I don’t want to be thought of as being this way, unable to take care of myself, unable to work a steady job, unable to live life properly. It’s sad isn’t it? That because my nervous system works differently than the other 80% of people, I am judged without understanding, every day of my life. Lately I can just feel the judgement coming off of my super wonderful, smart and caring boyfriend. He is certainly not sensitive, and really can’t get into my head. I can see it in his face sometimes that he doubts I really feel the way I do. My easily overwhelmed sensitive self comes off as lazy and I really don’t know how to explain myself any different so that it is understood why I am unable to do what I am unable to do these days.

I guess it also sounds like I’m a little bit depressed, which I read tends to be a problem with HSP’s. We get ourselves into these holes, be it by our minds or the overwhelming circumstances around us, and it seems like we aren’t trying when really we are just trying too hard. I hate it. I want to be positive about being an HSP but at the moment it isn’t really working. I am seeing how much I am going to struggle though life, and realizing that there might not be someone willing to love me unconditionally ‘forever’. I seem like such a perfect catch at first, but after time the complications unravel and at this moment I am hoping that I can roll this ball of yarn up and turn it into some new kind of respect. Respect for myself and for the differences of my partner, I hope that he can gain the same respect.

I just need to keep going, finding the love from within as much as possible.

just care more about yourself

There’s so much inside of me I can’t even think of where to begin. I feel sad and defeated, like a lost puppy. I feel like when I need love the most, a friendship, a relationship, someone to count on… I’m coming up empty. It’s like my sense of need has actually scared away/annoyed the only people in my life that cared about me. Now they don’t even want to hear what comes out of my mouth.  Everything to do with me is old news, they've heard it all before, like they just want me to get a grip. Take control of your own life like everyone else. I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

Fuck you for thinking that “getting better”, means I will be “a normal person”. NOPE. NEVER. Either get used to it or maybe you can’t be in my life. For such a wonderful like-able person, I sure feel unlovable. Or, unloved. Even my less close friends don’t message me back. My dad always told me to let go, fuck ‘em. Do your own thing and they will come around. But what if they don’t? What if pulling back makes them realize I’m not important in their lives. Also I now have this feeling like I don’t give a fuck anymore or even want to try, at all. I feel rejected and that makes me want to pull all the way back. But now I have an underlying sadness, like ok I’m on my own now time to make myself happy, I don’t want to inconvenience you at all by being around, I don’t want to take up any more of your life with what’s going on inside of me. Well then how the hell am I supposed to let it all out?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

 I can't hold in all of this sadness, all of this doubt. But I can't talk to anyone about it because it is just annoying now. I feel super stuck and as much as I can try and do my own thing and make myself happy that won't take away my need for love, especially from my own boyfriend. I know that feeling un-cared about or that I'm annoying  or uninteresting means I need to care about myself and focus on my own interests, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing how alone I actually am. I’m scared I’m going to ruin every relationship because I care too much, put too much effort into my partner and lose myself, making my partner start to resent me. I expect so much because that’s what I want to give, but it seems like I’m just too much to handle. I don’t really know where to go from here. I miss having a therapist.