I certainly feel obliged

Today I hate obligations.

I know I know I should be more selfless, but I want to be selfish, I want and don`t want things, and that should be that.

Unfortunately that isn't how the world works. Good deeds bring good karma, or is that what we believe so we think our good deeds don't go unnoticed?

Or maybe we need to feel like we are getting a gain out of every situation or it's a waste of time and effort..

..I guess I just figured it out. I want to try not to let that dictate my decisions.

no one leaps mountains.

I've been hiding how I'm feeling from myself. I'm not really okay. I push away all the sadness and confusion. It's mostly too hard to face. I've suffered so much I feel like I won't make it having a good life, like it's just not going to happen. When it comes time to write down how I feel it won't come out. I can't get out of my head and I also can't stop repressing what keeps coming up. How am I supposed to deal with what I do not understand or know? When I think about where I should live or what I want to do, I feel nothing. Like I don't really want to exist, because life just seems like too much to handle. Wtf do I do if things don't work out with my boyfriend Timo? Would I live in Germany still? That's the big question I cannot answer. It's what brings me to the place of feeling like blank existence. I'm so fucking confused about life, love, everything. I have no idea what to do. But I've decided life here deserves a chance. There are many things I love here in Germany, especially Timo. I need to focus on that instead of all these what ifs. Save those for the if time. Also, One small step at a time. No one leaps mountains.