does 'everything happen for a reason'?

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. What is the reason that my body must suffer for so long? A year and a half and it seems like it's just getting worse. Everything hurts my stomach.. Sometimes I'm fine after eating, but mostly, I am just bloated all day, and if I'm lucky, that's all that will happen. But my stomach cramps are just getting worse and worse (among other things I won't describe), and I am just effected and feel sick pretty much always. It sucks because I am FINALLY getting better with my muscles, after a couple months at this special training gym that I LOVE, but now that my insides are getting worse, it's making me weaker and I'm fighting to stay doing what I was but it's getting harder. I just want to find a job but now I'm worried I won't physically be able to until this problem is resolved. I went to a specialist this morning and they want to rule out lactose intolerance and celiac disease first, (but I'm pretty sure it's not the food that's the main problem, I'm pretty sure it's my insides) but my appointment to take the lactose test (drink milk sugar and blow into a thing) isn't until the end of June. WHY?!

 It's getting worse by the day and no medicine really helps, to be honest Marijuana has helped better than any medicine they have given me, but still I can't really ease my suffering that much. I just broke down outside the doctors office because I am so sick of suffering. I just want to live a normal life and prove that I can live here in Germany without relying on someone else. But I'm in so much pain all the time it's making it so hard for me to get where I need to be. And I know it's only a small bit but summer is coming up quickly and I am actually feeling good about my body, but because of whatever is going on I am so bloated all the time and it makes me so much bigger than I am and I can't control it at all. I want to feel good this summer like I know I could but it seems like this problem is just going to drag out. I feel so defeated. What is the reason for all of this?! The only thing I can actually think of is that I am avoiding money situations where I come from. Is this my karma for not dealing with that situation? Or is this just some random suffering to teach me that life is just hard and you have to learn to deal with it in a peaceful way?

I also mistreated the hell out of my body in the past so it doesn't surprise me that I am having problems, I'm just surprised it's taking so long for the doctors to figure it out. I feel such a disconnect between the doctors and myself here. The newest one I have been going to has actually helped me quite a bit. She sent me to the specialist today and also gave me a list of many psychotherapists in the area, and I finally found one that doesn't have a waiting list and more importantly, she speaks English! SO this is a huge plus for me, my first appointment is in 3 weeks.

I left out a detail earlier that I would like to now add haha. During my breakdown on the street (crumpled in a ball crying) a lady came up to me and asked me what was wrong and I explained everything to her (In German, which for me is a big deal) and she was so helpful and sympathetic. She said I should try to call the hospital and talk to them about it and make an appointment there. It was a really good idea that I probably wouldn't have thought to do. But they do everything there it's a hospital!! If I am suffering this much I need to do whatever it takes, and I don't want to continue suffering! My doctor gave me the last medicine she can give me and yah it doesn't work. Hospital it is. Thanks for reading my rant about my dwindling physical condition, I feel better now.

I certainly feel obliged

Today I hate obligations.

I know I know I should be more selfless, but I want to be selfish, I want and don`t want things, and that should be that.

Unfortunately that isn't how the world works. Good deeds bring good karma, or is that what we believe so we think our good deeds don't go unnoticed?

Or maybe we need to feel like we are getting a gain out of every situation or it's a waste of time and effort..

..I guess I just figured it out. I want to try not to let that dictate my decisions.

no one leaps mountains.

I've been hiding how I'm feeling from myself. I'm not really okay. I push away all the sadness and confusion. It's mostly too hard to face. I've suffered so much I feel like I won't make it having a good life, like it's just not going to happen. When it comes time to write down how I feel it won't come out. I can't get out of my head and I also can't stop repressing what keeps coming up. How am I supposed to deal with what I do not understand or know? When I think about where I should live or what I want to do, I feel nothing. Like I don't really want to exist, because life just seems like too much to handle. Wtf do I do if things don't work out with my boyfriend Timo? Would I live in Germany still? That's the big question I cannot answer. It's what brings me to the place of feeling like blank existence. I'm so fucking confused about life, love, everything. I have no idea what to do. But I've decided life here deserves a chance. There are many things I love here in Germany, especially Timo. I need to focus on that instead of all these what ifs. Save those for the if time. Also, One small step at a time. No one leaps mountains.

all you need is love

One of my favourite sayings is “all you need is love”. The problem, I am realizing with that phrase, is that most of the love that you will want or need in your life comes from yourself. It has to! Even the people that do really and truly love you get sick of you from time to time or need their love for other purposes. Love needs to come from within. Why is that such a hard thing for me to remember/practice? Why do I get so easily out of balance and feel the opposite; like all the love needs to come from outside of me, to make me feel good again. That clearly isn’t the answer but it’s really hard to build yourself back up from that.

I feel like I’m at such a low right now, sick of almost everything in my life and unsure of where to really go from here. Of course I have moments of happiness but underneath everything I just feel like I’m failing at life, letting down the people who had high reverence for me, changing their opinion of who I am, coming to decisions I cannot control and I hope that this low doesn’t cause too much damage. I don’t want to be thought of as being this way, unable to take care of myself, unable to work a steady job, unable to live life properly. It’s sad isn’t it? That because my nervous system works differently than the other 80% of people, I am judged without understanding, every day of my life. Lately I can just feel the judgement coming off of my super wonderful, smart and caring boyfriend. He is certainly not sensitive, and really can’t get into my head. I can see it in his face sometimes that he doubts I really feel the way I do. My easily overwhelmed sensitive self comes off as lazy and I really don’t know how to explain myself any different so that it is understood why I am unable to do what I am unable to do these days.

I guess it also sounds like I’m a little bit depressed, which I read tends to be a problem with HSP’s. We get ourselves into these holes, be it by our minds or the overwhelming circumstances around us, and it seems like we aren’t trying when really we are just trying too hard. I hate it. I want to be positive about being an HSP but at the moment it isn’t really working. I am seeing how much I am going to struggle though life, and realizing that there might not be someone willing to love me unconditionally ‘forever’. I seem like such a perfect catch at first, but after time the complications unravel and at this moment I am hoping that I can roll this ball of yarn up and turn it into some new kind of respect. Respect for myself and for the differences of my partner, I hope that he can gain the same respect.

I just need to keep going, finding the love from within as much as possible.

just care more about yourself

There’s so much inside of me I can’t even think of where to begin. I feel sad and defeated, like a lost puppy. I feel like when I need love the most, a friendship, a relationship, someone to count on… I’m coming up empty. It’s like my sense of need has actually scared away/annoyed the only people in my life that cared about me. Now they don’t even want to hear what comes out of my mouth.  Everything to do with me is old news, they've heard it all before, like they just want me to get a grip. Take control of your own life like everyone else. I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

Fuck you for thinking that “getting better”, means I will be “a normal person”. NOPE. NEVER. Either get used to it or maybe you can’t be in my life. For such a wonderful like-able person, I sure feel unlovable. Or, unloved. Even my less close friends don’t message me back. My dad always told me to let go, fuck ‘em. Do your own thing and they will come around. But what if they don’t? What if pulling back makes them realize I’m not important in their lives. Also I now have this feeling like I don’t give a fuck anymore or even want to try, at all. I feel rejected and that makes me want to pull all the way back. But now I have an underlying sadness, like ok I’m on my own now time to make myself happy, I don’t want to inconvenience you at all by being around, I don’t want to take up any more of your life with what’s going on inside of me. Well then how the hell am I supposed to let it all out?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

 I can't hold in all of this sadness, all of this doubt. But I can't talk to anyone about it because it is just annoying now. I feel super stuck and as much as I can try and do my own thing and make myself happy that won't take away my need for love, especially from my own boyfriend. I know that feeling un-cared about or that I'm annoying  or uninteresting means I need to care about myself and focus on my own interests, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing how alone I actually am. I’m scared I’m going to ruin every relationship because I care too much, put too much effort into my partner and lose myself, making my partner start to resent me. I expect so much because that’s what I want to give, but it seems like I’m just too much to handle. I don’t really know where to go from here. I miss having a therapist.