just care more about yourself

There’s so much inside of me I can’t even think of where to begin. I feel sad and defeated, like a lost puppy. I feel like when I need love the most, a friendship, a relationship, someone to count on… I’m coming up empty. It’s like my sense of need has actually scared away/annoyed the only people in my life that cared about me. Now they don’t even want to hear what comes out of my mouth.  Everything to do with me is old news, they've heard it all before, like they just want me to get a grip. Take control of your own life like everyone else. I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

Fuck you for thinking that “getting better”, means I will be “a normal person”. NOPE. NEVER. Either get used to it or maybe you can’t be in my life. For such a wonderful like-able person, I sure feel unlovable. Or, unloved. Even my less close friends don’t message me back. My dad always told me to let go, fuck ‘em. Do your own thing and they will come around. But what if they don’t? What if pulling back makes them realize I’m not important in their lives. Also I now have this feeling like I don’t give a fuck anymore or even want to try, at all. I feel rejected and that makes me want to pull all the way back. But now I have an underlying sadness, like ok I’m on my own now time to make myself happy, I don’t want to inconvenience you at all by being around, I don’t want to take up any more of your life with what’s going on inside of me. Well then how the hell am I supposed to let it all out?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

 I can't hold in all of this sadness, all of this doubt. But I can't talk to anyone about it because it is just annoying now. I feel super stuck and as much as I can try and do my own thing and make myself happy that won't take away my need for love, especially from my own boyfriend. I know that feeling un-cared about or that I'm annoying  or uninteresting means I need to care about myself and focus on my own interests, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing how alone I actually am. I’m scared I’m going to ruin every relationship because I care too much, put too much effort into my partner and lose myself, making my partner start to resent me. I expect so much because that’s what I want to give, but it seems like I’m just too much to handle. I don’t really know where to go from here. I miss having a therapist. 

horrible boss/ self discovery

I haven't written anything for so long for two reasons; one good, and one bad. I would rather end on a more positive note so I will tell of the bad reason first.


I have been having some terrible issues with work that made me feel so much worse about my boss and working there than I ever did before. Health insurance is necessary for me to live as a foreigner in Germany, and to have health insurance I am required to have a job contract which shows I earn over a certain amount of money each month. When I started working at this company I received a job contract that was accurate with everything I needed and the government has a copy of this, and so does my health insurance company. Later, without my knowledge, my boss called the insurance company and told them that I was employed as part time and therefore he does not have to pay for my health insurance. But guess what? No one told me that and also the government did not know about this either. So here I am working away since September and suddenly a get a letter from the health insurance company telling me to call and clear something up. Of course my boyfriend had to call and talk with them because my German isn't fluent enough to deal with over the phone business. After I heard the news that no one had paid for my health insurance for the whole year, I was shocked. Next came the news that my insurance was now cancelled. This is terrible because I can't get sick and I need to apply to extend my visa by September 1st and without health insurance it might not fly. And I instantly need to find a new job somehow by this same time that will cover health insurance. So that leaves me broken down, how could someone do that? what did I do to deserve such horrible trickery?


So I went straight to the landratsamt (translates as the District Office.. the place where I have to get all the legals sorted out) to see what could be done. I was allowed to quit my job without worry until September! YES! So, I waited until I got paid to finally quit, and I receive one final blow, I somehow only got paid half of what I should have gotten paid. WHY?! But I had had enough, it wasn't worth staying anymore to try and fight about this money, it wasn't that much anyway. Over the past few days my boyfriend and his family have helped me figure everything out and I now have no worries about my future here in Germany. So to my horrible boss: thank you for kicking me when I was down. you truly were by far the worst boss I have ever had. karma is for real and we will both get what we deserve soon enough.


Now on to the happier reason I have been absent from my new craft (writing this blog), I have been venturing more into learning about my trait of being a Highly Sensitive Person. Originally my eyes were opened by reading Dr. Barrie Jaeger's book Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person, learning and realizing so many things about myself and my life as I went along. More recently, I have been reading the original book wrote about HSP's written by Dr. Elaine N. Aron simply titled, The Highly Sensitive Person. This book which I am about 2/3 of the way through has been making me see my life in a new way. I am able to evaluate my life and realize the reason things went the way they did. I can take what I am learning about myself and use it in two ways, one to stop feeling guilty when I "can't handle things the way everyone else can", and two I can start accepting what my personal limits and strengths are and work on figuring out more realistic standards and goals for myself.


One of my favourite things about life is learning about myself and personality and why I am the way I am so I can move forward and make a better happier life for myself. I have spent the last six or so years working on different aspects of my inner self and life and it has paid off tremendously. I am excited that this time I have figured out the reason for everything, it makes me really happy to know that this battle just keeps getting easier. The inner self always needs work, I am just happy I am at a place of peace with who I am, it makes it much easier to develop.


Now I am going back to reading and I am sure within the week I will be writing about the insight I have gained on being a Highly Sensitive Person!

the emotional roller coaster that is my life

My whole life I have heard things like "you're so sensitive Lee-Anne" or "you're just too emotional". For a long time I believed that I had a problem with taking things too personal, but now I understand why.

Being a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP) affects my life in many ways, but for me the emotional part is the hardest to deal with. I have zero control over my original emotions in any situation, with every emotion. Also every emotion that I feel is to the extreme. In many situations this is great, I can have a real excitement for things in my life. But for the most part it is extremely draining and pretty overwhelming.

I know to be truly happy, outside influences like weather and work shouldn't affect someone, but because I am an HSP, I absorb more from these outside situations hence the overwhelming lack of emotional control. It used to bring me down thinking that my emotions control me, and that it makes me unable to handle situations the way others do. It made me feel weak that I can't just will away my emotions.The phrase, "leave your personal life at the door" is next to impossible for me in any scenario. I think sometimes that being an HSP drives me to constantly live in the now, which sounds like a good thing but often I can't get my mind past the current situation and that can be detrimental to calming myself down and moving forward with my daily life.

The good thing is, once I am able to see that my emotions have taken me over, I can try and come back to reality and use my sensibilities to subside my emotions. This gives me the ability to properly analyze and conquer whatever is going on. Now I am seeing the relation to being an HSP, absorbing more from each situation and taking longer to comprehend it all, but in the end I have a better understanding than many others.

Maybe I will never be able to control my initial emotional reaction to things, but I can try to find ways to catch myself when it is clear my emotions are in charge and if I practice that maybe handling my emotions will become more natural.

I run on love

Yesterday while I was at work I was feeling a sense of emptiness that happens when I miss my friends or family and it truly means I don't feel there's enough love in my life. I start over-analyzing everything and well I had some time to write about it and these were my thoughts

I have this thing where I want to always feel loved and needed, and this can be tricky for me. Even in a wonderful relationship, that love is not enough. I want to bring meaning into the lives of those I care about, and it's really hard sometimes to feel that is happening when I live so far away. A problem that stems from this [(wanting to feel loved and needed)] is it's easy to make myself happy with the love of other people. It distracts me from that empty feeling I perceived as loneliness. So in a sense it is good for me to live far away because I'm not giving myself that false sense of happiness that goes away when I am not with people. 

I get scared when I think that my friends will be getting married and it might not matter if I'm not there, it makes me feel like I'm not a big part of anyone's life. I feel like I've failed as a person when no one needs me involved in their life. It's like I have felt with past relationships, I'm not cherished as much as I feel I should be, and I feel like it's a mistake. I may have many insecurities but I know I am a special person that cares extra about the people in my life. I just wish more people showed me that I'm important to them. It;s hard to feel so much love and not have it returned. 

Thinking about this makes me realize I run on love. It's the most important thing in my life and has been for as long as I can remember. But I need to learn to provide my own love. I spend so much time thinking about how much I care for others I should be spending more love on myself. It's so easy to feel unimportant to people when I give myself that attitude. Of course I am cared about and loved by many and of course I am missed I just wish more people expressed themselves as easily as I do.

While writing this post I got an idea for my next post, the constant emotional roller coaster that is being a Highly Sensitive Person. So I think that's what I will write about next time!