I recently discovered that there is a reason I have
always thought that I was a little bit different than most people. Though not
diagnosed (I live in Germany and at this time I would rather wait until I can
engage in a proper examination) I am 90% sure I am a Highly Sensitive Person
(or HSP). At first this may just make it seem like I am super emotional (which
I am). But when I looked into HSP’s, (I read a book called Making Work Work for
the Highly Sensitive Person by Barrie Jaeger, ph.D.)I found that they are 20% of
people! I also found out that being an HSP means a little bit of difference in
genetic code that allows the senses to absorb more. This means that everything
I see, hear, feel, smell, or taste, is more in depth and intense than most people.
It also means it takes me longer to fully encounter things because I am taking
in more and analyzing everything about it. This also means I am easily overstimulated
and need more recharging than others.
As soon as I read these things my entire life made
sense; from having an eating disorder, to falling in and out of depression, drug addiction, having
constant anxiety and worry, and continuous extreme highs and lows in my moods. I
am different. But now that I know
why, I like it. It gives me encouragement to understand why I feel the way I
do, and why I feel so much all the time. Now that I know all of this I can take
the positive sides of being an HSP (creativity, empathy, passion etc.) and use
them to my advantage. I also understand what the negatives can be from this
(being overtaken by emotions, afraid of failing or not being loved, being
easily overstimulated and rundown) and work on harnessing these into even more
positives over time.
I wanted to share an entry I wrote in one of my journals a
few months ago just before I realized all of this HSP business because I think
it is an honest piece about how hard it can be to feel so much. (It is also the
best at times but I don’t usually need to write when I feel happy)
What direction do you want
in life? Why don’t you care about doing anything? Why don’t you follow one of
your passions? Because I was always told I wouldn’t make it [and to have a
back-up plan. I was told] that you can’t make a living that way. So how the
fuck do I make a living then? I am not ready to study something in another
language. As far as a career goes, I am also not ready to have one in another
language, nor do I know what a career even means these days. I don’t have any
ambition I’m just learning German because I have to to live here. I wasn’t
happy living in Canada and I’m only kind of happy here. When will I stop using
my boyfriend as a source for most of my happiness? When will I start to create
my own? When will I learn to be positive in most situations? How can I learn to
be zen? How can I not let my emotions take me over? Is that what is preventing
me from getting to my life? Having no control over how I feel, living my life
based on pleasure. It’s not working. The pleasure runs dry and I am left with
self-doubt, uncertainty and dissatisfaction. I have no path. I am standing in a
field staring at many paths. That’s my problem… I’m just standing there
watching these paths get overgrown because I can’t fucking pick one to wonder
down. Why am I so scared of living my life? Not doing things is still failing.
I need meaning and purpose in my life. My heart doesn’t know what she wants. Or
maybe I am just ignoring what she says because I don’t want to know. I need to
learn to trust myself and do what I feel is right or needed instead of just
continuing on or ignoring things.
A few months later I can say that I feel a lot better about
life than I did when I wrote this. Starting a blog where I can share my stories
and struggles gives me the ability to do many things I love at once. Maybe this
will help me wonder down a path or two, I know living in sunny southern Germany
certainly helps motivate me these days!
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