I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. What is the reason that my body must suffer for so long? A year and a half and it seems like it's just getting worse. Everything hurts my stomach.. Sometimes I'm fine after eating, but mostly, I am just bloated all day, and if I'm lucky, that's all that will happen. But my stomach cramps are just getting worse and worse (among other things I won't describe), and I am just effected and feel sick pretty much always. It sucks because I am FINALLY getting better with my muscles, after a couple months at this special training gym that I LOVE, but now that my insides are getting worse, it's making me weaker and I'm fighting to stay doing what I was but it's getting harder. I just want to find a job but now I'm worried I won't physically be able to until this problem is resolved. I went to a specialist this morning and they want to rule out lactose intolerance and celiac disease first, (but I'm pretty sure it's not the food that's the main problem, I'm pretty sure it's my insides) but my appointment to take the lactose test (drink milk sugar and blow into a thing) isn't until the end of June. WHY?!
It's getting worse by the day and no medicine really helps, to be honest Marijuana has helped better than any medicine they have given me, but still I can't really ease my suffering that much. I just broke down outside the doctors office because I am so sick of suffering. I just want to live a normal life and prove that I can live here in Germany without relying on someone else. But I'm in so much pain all the time it's making it so hard for me to get where I need to be. And I know it's only a small bit but summer is coming up quickly and I am actually feeling good about my body, but because of whatever is going on I am so bloated all the time and it makes me so much bigger than I am and I can't control it at all. I want to feel good this summer like I know I could but it seems like this problem is just going to drag out. I feel so defeated. What is the reason for all of this?! The only thing I can actually think of is that I am avoiding money situations where I come from. Is this my karma for not dealing with that situation? Or is this just some random suffering to teach me that life is just hard and you have to learn to deal with it in a peaceful way?
I also mistreated the hell out of my body in the past so it doesn't surprise me that I am having problems, I'm just surprised it's taking so long for the doctors to figure it out. I feel such a disconnect between the doctors and myself here. The newest one I have been going to has actually helped me quite a bit. She sent me to the specialist today and also gave me a list of many psychotherapists in the area, and I finally found one that doesn't have a waiting list and more importantly, she speaks English! SO this is a huge plus for me, my first appointment is in 3 weeks.
I left out a detail earlier that I would like to now add haha. During my breakdown on the street (crumpled in a ball crying) a lady came up to me and asked me what was wrong and I explained everything to her (In German, which for me is a big deal) and she was so helpful and sympathetic. She said I should try to call the hospital and talk to them about it and make an appointment there. It was a really good idea that I probably wouldn't have thought to do. But they do everything there it's a hospital!! If I am suffering this much I need to do whatever it takes, and I don't want to continue suffering! My doctor gave me the last medicine she can give me and yah it doesn't work. Hospital it is. Thanks for reading my rant about my dwindling physical condition, I feel better now.
