the desire for food comes from another place

They always say that having an eating disorder is not really about the food. Well, it becomes a little bit more about the food when you smoke marijuana every day. By a little a mean a lot. *warning, there are some descriptive parts of my eating disordered behavior not everyone will want to read*

Eating disorders usually represent a grasp for control over ones life. The ability to control how much food you eat and when. The ability to control what your body looks like, to hide the horror inside. Pretty much all of that control is thrown out as soon as I decide getting stoned will ease my mind. Not only does the hunger set in even more, but the desire for sugar, food, anything that tastes good, is amplified greatly. I found that by restricting what I was eating in the day would really effect how much I would eat when I got stoned in the evening. I would eat whatever I could. Anything that had sugar in it, anything you could consider a snack. I hated eating meals but would fill my face until I wanted to puke with things that had pretty much no nutritional value. This was my life for a few years. Of course these binge sessions were followed by extreme guilt and the need to purge. But when I say that I do not mean throwing up! Not once have I made myself throw up after eating (although I did try a few times). My ways of purging were through exercise and diet pills/laxatives. What a terrible cycle I brought myself into, and it took way too long to get out of it. But what I did find, was that when I started eating more healthy food, I had less cravings (even when stoned) for yummy treats, and when I did eat them, enjoyed eating less and didn't need to get my hands on every snack type thing possible.

Today marijuana still has a say in what I want to eat and how much I eat. I find that I have the ability to eat way more food when I am stoned and that the desire for food and to cook is way higher. If not stoned then I have a hard time eating enough food and find that I don't care much about meals or different things. It helps me to eat more and healthier, which is good and bad. When I can smoke weed I give myself the opportunity to eat correctly, although I also still eat too many snacks/goodies, I have much more control over it than I did in the past. It is bad because without it I still feel like there might be some lingering behaviors that could creep in without this constant desire for food. An issue I will have to deal with someday but I am not sure how close or far that day is.

stoner queen

thanks to positive feedback left by my question earlier today on Google+ I have decided to share about how drug addiction has entered/left/effected my life. Today I will just share a bit about my addiction and love of Marijuana.

Marijuana (or weed as I like to call it) is by far my favourite drug, inside and out. Now I will also have to tell you that I struggle with needing it at times, I do not want to call myself “addicted”, but there was definitely I time when I was but I didn't know, I didn't realize until I moved to Germany, and because I moved in with a host family, I couldn't sit on the couch with my bong and smoke from when I woke up until when I went to bed. Yes, if I was not working, I would be stoned all day. I didn't see a reason why not. I was getting everything done that I needed to, maybe it took a little longer, but it didn't halt any progress in my life. But I know that I needed it because every time, I would seek it out while I still had some left, I didn't want to be without it, just in case. In case of what? Would I die if I didn't have it? Would one day be slightly more boring? This was a problem for sure. I am not like this now, but I have worked my way back up to several times a day when it is available. Now it is just something to look forward to everyday, before it was my day. Another thing I found when I went from all the time to sometimes was that I wasn't really motivated to do anything unless I got stoned. Even if I didn't feel like doing it in the moment, it would get me excited and make me want to work on something specific later on in the day. This just doesn't seem right to me. Weed gives me more motivation? It also helps me eat. I have so much more desire to eat, and make myself good food, when I get stoned. Recently I realized that I have also been using weed as a crutch in getting over my eating disorder. Food is so much more appealing to me in general when I am getting stoned, like with all people, but for me it is positive and negative. It is good that it makes me want to eat, but it is bad because I still need it in some way. I can go without it now, but I function so much better when weed is a regular part of my life. Recently I have been thinking that this is because I am an HSP and smoking pot really helps calm me down and look at things from a more logical instead of emotional point of view. It dulls my senses a little so I can live a bit easier. Or is this just my normal because I have spent almost 8 years of my life this way? I am not sure, but I am sure that it makes me happy, helps as a sort of therapy, and it keeps me going so why fight it? This is still my reasoning, and I know I am not going to do anything about it. I know that I will continue this lifestyle because it is one addiction I can keep that doesn't take over my life completely, like it and others have in the past.

This is just a little thought process of mine. I have many stories and also have had other drug addictions as well but I thought this was a good place to start. Feel free to ask me any questions!