just care more about yourself

There’s so much inside of me I can’t even think of where to begin. I feel sad and defeated, like a lost puppy. I feel like when I need love the most, a friendship, a relationship, someone to count on… I’m coming up empty. It’s like my sense of need has actually scared away/annoyed the only people in my life that cared about me. Now they don’t even want to hear what comes out of my mouth.  Everything to do with me is old news, they've heard it all before, like they just want me to get a grip. Take control of your own life like everyone else. I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 

Fuck you for thinking that “getting better”, means I will be “a normal person”. NOPE. NEVER. Either get used to it or maybe you can’t be in my life. For such a wonderful like-able person, I sure feel unlovable. Or, unloved. Even my less close friends don’t message me back. My dad always told me to let go, fuck ‘em. Do your own thing and they will come around. But what if they don’t? What if pulling back makes them realize I’m not important in their lives. Also I now have this feeling like I don’t give a fuck anymore or even want to try, at all. I feel rejected and that makes me want to pull all the way back. But now I have an underlying sadness, like ok I’m on my own now time to make myself happy, I don’t want to inconvenience you at all by being around, I don’t want to take up any more of your life with what’s going on inside of me. Well then how the hell am I supposed to let it all out?! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?

 I can't hold in all of this sadness, all of this doubt. But I can't talk to anyone about it because it is just annoying now. I feel super stuck and as much as I can try and do my own thing and make myself happy that won't take away my need for love, especially from my own boyfriend. I know that feeling un-cared about or that I'm annoying  or uninteresting means I need to care about myself and focus on my own interests, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing how alone I actually am. I’m scared I’m going to ruin every relationship because I care too much, put too much effort into my partner and lose myself, making my partner start to resent me. I expect so much because that’s what I want to give, but it seems like I’m just too much to handle. I don’t really know where to go from here. I miss having a therapist.