One of my favourite sayings is “all you need is love”. The
problem, I am realizing with that phrase, is that most of the love that you
will want or need in your life comes from yourself. It has to! Even the people
that do really and truly love you get sick of you from time to time or need
their love for other purposes. Love needs to come from within. Why is that such
a hard thing for me to remember/practice? Why do I get so easily out of balance
and feel the opposite; like all the love needs to come from outside of me, to
make me feel good again. That clearly isn’t the answer but it’s really hard to
build yourself back up from that.
I feel like I’m at such a low right now, sick of almost
everything in my life and unsure of where to really go from here. Of course I
have moments of happiness but underneath everything I just feel like I’m
failing at life, letting down the people who had high reverence for me,
changing their opinion of who I am, coming to decisions I cannot control and I
hope that this low doesn’t cause too much damage. I don’t want to be thought of
as being this way, unable to take care of myself, unable to work a steady job,
unable to live life properly. It’s sad isn’t it? That because my nervous system
works differently than the other 80% of people, I am judged without
understanding, every day of my life. Lately I can just feel the judgement
coming off of my super wonderful, smart and caring boyfriend. He is certainly
not sensitive, and really can’t get into my head. I can see it in his face
sometimes that he doubts I really feel the way I do. My easily overwhelmed
sensitive self comes off as lazy and I really don’t know how to explain myself
any different so that it is understood why I am unable to do what I am unable
to do these days.
I guess it also sounds like I’m a little bit depressed,
which I read tends to be a problem with HSP’s. We get ourselves into these
holes, be it by our minds or the overwhelming circumstances around us, and it
seems like we aren’t trying when really we are just trying too hard. I hate it.
I want to be positive about being an HSP but at the moment it isn’t really
working. I am seeing how much I am going to struggle though life, and realizing
that there might not be someone willing to love me unconditionally ‘forever’. I
seem like such a perfect catch at first, but after time the complications
unravel and at this moment I am hoping that I can roll this ball of yarn up and
turn it into some new kind of respect. Respect for myself and for the
differences of my partner, I hope that he can gain the same respect.
I just need to keep going, finding the love from within as
much as possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment