no one leaps mountains.

I've been hiding how I'm feeling from myself. I'm not really okay. I push away all the sadness and confusion. It's mostly too hard to face. I've suffered so much I feel like I won't make it having a good life, like it's just not going to happen. When it comes time to write down how I feel it won't come out. I can't get out of my head and I also can't stop repressing what keeps coming up. How am I supposed to deal with what I do not understand or know? When I think about where I should live or what I want to do, I feel nothing. Like I don't really want to exist, because life just seems like too much to handle. Wtf do I do if things don't work out with my boyfriend Timo? Would I live in Germany still? That's the big question I cannot answer. It's what brings me to the place of feeling like blank existence. I'm so fucking confused about life, love, everything. I have no idea what to do. But I've decided life here deserves a chance. There are many things I love here in Germany, especially Timo. I need to focus on that instead of all these what ifs. Save those for the if time. Also, One small step at a time. No one leaps mountains.

all you need is love

One of my favourite sayings is “all you need is love”. The problem, I am realizing with that phrase, is that most of the love that you will want or need in your life comes from yourself. It has to! Even the people that do really and truly love you get sick of you from time to time or need their love for other purposes. Love needs to come from within. Why is that such a hard thing for me to remember/practice? Why do I get so easily out of balance and feel the opposite; like all the love needs to come from outside of me, to make me feel good again. That clearly isn’t the answer but it’s really hard to build yourself back up from that.

I feel like I’m at such a low right now, sick of almost everything in my life and unsure of where to really go from here. Of course I have moments of happiness but underneath everything I just feel like I’m failing at life, letting down the people who had high reverence for me, changing their opinion of who I am, coming to decisions I cannot control and I hope that this low doesn’t cause too much damage. I don’t want to be thought of as being this way, unable to take care of myself, unable to work a steady job, unable to live life properly. It’s sad isn’t it? That because my nervous system works differently than the other 80% of people, I am judged without understanding, every day of my life. Lately I can just feel the judgement coming off of my super wonderful, smart and caring boyfriend. He is certainly not sensitive, and really can’t get into my head. I can see it in his face sometimes that he doubts I really feel the way I do. My easily overwhelmed sensitive self comes off as lazy and I really don’t know how to explain myself any different so that it is understood why I am unable to do what I am unable to do these days.

I guess it also sounds like I’m a little bit depressed, which I read tends to be a problem with HSP’s. We get ourselves into these holes, be it by our minds or the overwhelming circumstances around us, and it seems like we aren’t trying when really we are just trying too hard. I hate it. I want to be positive about being an HSP but at the moment it isn’t really working. I am seeing how much I am going to struggle though life, and realizing that there might not be someone willing to love me unconditionally ‘forever’. I seem like such a perfect catch at first, but after time the complications unravel and at this moment I am hoping that I can roll this ball of yarn up and turn it into some new kind of respect. Respect for myself and for the differences of my partner, I hope that he can gain the same respect.

I just need to keep going, finding the love from within as much as possible.

stop feeling guilty about setting personal boundaries

I need a boss who understands when I need to take the day off because I can't stop crying. I need a job that lets me set my own boundaries, because I am different. Unfortunately not many business owners are the type of people who would understand that being a Highly Sensitive Person means if I am not on my game, my work will seriously suffer. I do not respond to pressure and criticism but to positive guidance and encouragement. Sometimes life is overwhelming and unfortunately I can't just "leave my personal life at the door" when coming to work. Everything takes longer for me to process and fully understand, I need time to come to peace when something shakes me.

This is discouraged in the work place. I think it is very unfair. I know that some jobs give you personal days, but I have never worked somewhere where I was able to do that. I have never had this opportunity, and actually this is something I really need in my life as an HSP. The ability to say no to life when it gets overwhelming and take time to rejuvenate so I can continue on in peace and with motivation instead of drudging along with resistance. Life is hard and I think everyone should have the ability to take a day off when they are feeling a mental drainage/explosion. Why is it less manageable to get that across in the workplace than having a physical ailment?

I shouldn't have to feel guilty when something is preventing me from working, whether it be mental, physical, personal or not. Normally in Germany, where I live, it is no problem to take a day when you need it, but I don't work at a company that runs with the regular ways so I am out of luck. It is definitely time for a change in my work, which of course brings on more anxiety. I enjoy a lot of things about being an HSP, but sometimes I wish I could just let things go and move on easily, I wish it didn't feel so heavy to jump into something new, especially when it comes to my work. I want to feel purpose in what I am doing, even with the anxiety produced by looking for a new job in a foreign country. I deserve more and I need to learn to not be afraid to go for what I want and need in life. Of course when I say I deserve more, I also mean everyone. Everyone deserves to go for their own version of gold!

the worst is over

Recently I started working out again after an excruciating and mandatory halt in physical activity that was forced upon me after two months of battling a UTI while continuing to work at my job. Apparently the physical stress of my job plus the internal stress from anti-biotics, ibuprofen and the infection itself caused pretty intense damage to my core, mainly my stomach and back muscles. As extraordinarily wonderful as it is to be able to exercise and to move without pain, I am now aware of all that I have gained. I don’t weigh myself because I know I personally don’t need to go down that road, and I have a hard time really looking at my body in the mirror for more than a second or two, so it is kind of easy to ignore what has slowly built up over time. It was about 4 months of not being able to get proper physical activity. 

So now when I am moving about and stretching, I feel what I have been avoiding looking at. It is a terrible horrible feeling. Less of my clothes are working for me these days and it is just becoming harder and harder to feel good or even ok about my body. I know that the worst is over now and I am on the path to becoming fit again but this takes time and as hard as I try I just can’t get passed the terrible thoughts and feelings about my body right now. I know it ultimately doesn’t matter but I just can’t get this out of me. I can’t stop wishing that I could be skinny again. I can’t stop hating the fact that I have a normal body now. I can’t stand that I feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend (who I live with) puts his hands on my stomach or legs, and now even my butt which usually I love. 

It really frustrates me that I can’t just accept my healthy body and be happy with myself. I love myself and my personality but when it comes to my body I can’t seem to find a way to work through the hate. I thought keeping positive and the passing time would be the answer but I didn’t realize time meant years. I don’t want to feel negative because I have a great life, and being able to be physical again does really help. It’s just that I spend so much time trying to stay positive and push the bad thoughts out, but they build up inside me and then attack. I have spent some time crying over it and being bummed out that this is still a part of my life but my life was so much worse and I am way better off now than when I was skinny. What I need is to find new ways of combating these negative thoughts and images, I am just not sure of how to do that yet.

take me to 1922 so I can feel like a beauty queen

Today's topic is this image

My wonderful loving boyfriend sent this photo to me today, it is two winners of a beauty pageant in 1922. Along with it he said "now look at that, you would be a beauty queen in 1922! fuck the modern thinking beauty doesn't mean to weigh under 50kg or whatever". He was being super nice, trying to compliment me because the girl on the left is more true to what I look like post recovery. I just burst into tears. I couldn't figure out exactly why it made me explode so quickly, I was fine with it and then BAM it was over. I have been bottling up some body image issues recently because my only way of dealing with it is to not let it get to me and just move on with my day. But I guess inside there is still so much sadness and anger. Anger that this is not 1922 and that is unfortunately not the modern thinking of beauty, and sadness that I cannot healthily achieve this standard. This is of course followed by more anger that I can't just love my healthy body and feel beautiful in it, and then sadness because I see those girls in that photo as beautiful, but I don't see myself that way even though I really do look great (so I'm told). It is really hard. I don't know what to do to get to a place of peace with my body. I love myself and try not to let this body thing get me down because I know it really doesn't need to be a big part of my life but... HOW?! How do I truly deal with this ghost?! I don't want to be haunted anymore.

size doesn't matter

I do not like the power clothing has over me, still. I try so hard not to care what size I am because sizes are different in every store. I am getting much better at not letting the size I have to buy bother me because I know ultimately it doesn’t matter. What still gets to me is when the season changes and I have to figure out if my clothes fit or not, and it fills me up with so much anxiety and sadness every time. I hate it. I know I am way healthier now and I love that but not being able to fit into clothes that I used to fit into makes me feel horrible. A lot of times I avoid trying some of my stuff on altogether because I don’t want the sadness and disappointment that comes along with it. 

Due to months of health/physical issues I know I weigh more than I did last year at this time, and I am terrified of trying on all of my shorts. I know most will “fit” but I don’t like fitted clothes and will feel super uncomfortable wearing them. I was having this conversation with my best friend who is in the same boat as me, and she did a really positive thing that I think I might have to do. She took one look at her shorts, knew they wouldn’t fit how she wanted, and got rid of them! Just like that! Luckily she can afford to buy a couple new pairs! I was so proud and inspired by what she did. I don’t have money at the moment to buy myself some new shorts but I think I will get rid of them anyway, I have plenty of dresses to last me until I have some money in a month or so. It just makes sense to not even go there if I know beforehand it isn’t going to go well. I am also curious if other people that have not battled an eating disorder have the same struggle I am having. It’s way more important for me to feel comfortable in my clothes than to worry about trying to fit into something that makes me uncomfortable and sad. 

job hunting at it's worst

It’s that dreaded time, looking for a new job. A stressful and draining task for most people, but for me this task can bring on extreme anxiety very quickly. To add to the fire, I live in Germany and though I have made great improvements in learning the language I can only carry on a simple conversation, and I cannot speak as well as I can understand. I feel even more anxiety because I am not sure if my language skills are high enough for the jobs I might want to do. Being an HSP also heightens my anxiety about work because I am easily overstimulated and feel I can’t handle “normal” working hours. I tend to choose easier jobs like serving or retail but then I am under stimulated and bored and quickly fall into what the book “Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person” calls drudgery. It seems it will be hard for me to find work in my life that makes me happy or keeps me satisfied for more than a short period of time. Many HSP’s find they are happiest being self-employed. I don’t know where I want to go. I have a University degree in Theater Studies, and since graduating I have wanted to stay far away from that world. I hated most of school, it was really hard for me to stay focused on my studies while battling an eating disorder and depression, and I was forced into taking a bunch of Theater courses that I really didn’t like. I did it though! Forcing myself to finish something I didn’t really care about sucked but I did it! Since a couple years have passed I have had time to reflect on the parts of Theater and studying it that I liked. I am seriously considering applying to a couple of Theaters around the area and hope to get in doing some kind of background or set work. Maybe the Theater would be a nice place to work. But there are only 2 or 3 Theaters around here and I am really scared I won’t get a job.  I have no idea of another job I might be able to handle right now, with my personality and also my lacking of language skills. I don’t want another pointless job. I would love to get paid to write on my own time. That would be an ideal job for me. If anyone has any words of encouragement or suggestions I would love to hear them.

sometimes a dream is just that.

Have you ever given up on a dream? Seriously thought that you could attain it, only to find something blocking the way? Maybe it was an obstacle, or maybe it was the mind. I gave up my dream of wanting to be in the world of acting. I wanted to be involved with television comedy mostly. But I have given up that dream and there are a few reasons but the main one is how skinny most of the woman are in this business. Even worse is how many I see fall from a normal weight to super thin. Super thin used to be what I wanted to look like. Life looks easier somehow for people that have no weight on them. After years of recovering I truly see less beauty in the super  thin than I used to, it makes me super sad that so many girls/women in this business feel the need to attain such an unrealistic standard, they are contributing to the eating disorders of so many girls and women out there. Is it their fault:? To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Maybe a lot of these ladies also feel the pressure to reach this unataniable goal and once they have some money and resources they can actually attain it and perhaps rid themselves of this pressure... That was my fear, the giving in to pressure to look a certain way when I know I cannot achieve that in a healthy manner. I wouldn't want the fame that comes with acting, being watched in other areas of my life. I don't want the pressure to be a certain way, I just want to be me finally. I think that for now that means staying away from the pressures of that world. I can express my creativity and talent in many other ways, and maybe one day I will feel strong enough to try and live out that dream!

when worlds collide

I am glad that my post about being an HSP was highly received because that is what I am currently learning about myself and trying to understand. Today I wanted to share something I wrote in  the summer of 2011 that deals with both being an HSP (which I obviously didn't know about at the time) and also with eating disorder recovery. I have many old journal entries I will share over time here but this particular one ties in well with both topics I feel strongly sharing and discussing about and shows how they can effect each other.

I've been feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to, to help me sort my brain rather. It just seems like no one can handle the feelings I'm feeling. The more I improve my eating behaviors the more my anxiety is transferred to other areas of my life. Which in a sense is good because now I can actually start to sort out my life, take responsibility. I'm so afraid of failing at life that it's making me scared of doing anything, of changing anything. But I know my life needs change, I need to find what I really desire out of life so I can get to it! I'm so tired of my emotions controlling my life, I'm sick of feeling like a crazy person. I'm sick of my confidence being so low recently. I'm just having a hard time knowing where to start. I don't want to get used to my body, I want to be skinny again, I don't want to feel chunkiness it makes me so fucking sad. WHY? I've been trying so hard for so long, I've been eating healthy for over a year now and what? Well actually I've made some amazing improvements, but I'm just sooo unhappy in my own skin, and it fucking sucks so much, I don't think I can lose weight in a normal behavior, at least not to my knowledge. I need to go back to counselling, but I can't until September, it blows. I'm a crazy person. Just keep trying Lee-Anne.

It makes me sad to think that I am still uncomfortable in my own skin three years later, and my emotions still take me over on a regular basis. But you know I am constantly growing and gaining knowledge on how to improve my attitude towards myself and dealing with what life brings me, and that makes me so much happier! 

it will get better

Sometimes I need to read old journals to remind myself of how far I have come and how much happier I am today even living in bad body image prison. It is true. I would rather live here for the rest of my life than spiral into the depths of hell that is having an eating disorder. I know from what I have read that life totally free of Ed exists, but I am not there yet. That's okay though, because looking back on the past few years I can clearly see I am leaps and bounds from where I was, and I am positive that I will not reenter the world of disordered eating. It is hard but SO possible to get here! I wanted to share three short sequential entries I wrote in one of my many journals while going trough recovery (I think these were written late 2009/ early 2010), to show that it is possible to be at a terrible low, and make it out and stay out!

all I can do is think about it, and I hurt. It's the pills. I'm so scared because if I tell anyone about them it becomes real. And I'll feel stupid. I want to feel like people are talking about it. THAT is fucked. I can't sleep because I just want to feel skinny. It's been soooo long. I wish I saw myself like everyone else. I didn't expect to go through this again. It sucks.

I find that drastically altering your eating/exercise habits is the best way to get quick results, but I'm going to suffer. I fucking hate winter, so windy and grey. The flurries look like millions of bugs. I keep trying to distract myself so I won't feel bad. I can't believe I let this happen. I hate saying it because I know it's not really true but I feel so huge. And I feel hungry all the time. Hungry and sick, so sick, what do I do? Love Love, is all you need!!

every morning I wake up feeling sad and lifeless. I must force myself to be happy throughout the day and suck it up so I don't seem selfish or spoiled. And I'm way too needy. I don't know how to fix myself, I can fix everyone else though. I need to learn how to deal better. But I just wish I felt there was nothing I had to deal with. I just want to feel fine. I hate being all over the place. I hate how no one will get it or be able to help me. I hate how much I've been crying. Winter is the worst thing about life. I wish it was possible to fast forward through all this shittyness. I feel fucking stupid.

This wasn't my last relapse, and it wasn't my worst either, but I don't want to share my stories or inside of my mind just to prove how bad things were in my life. I want it to be known that even though things may seem like they won't get better, they can and do! I was so negative about almost all aspects of my life, and now (after years of work) my attitude has changed extremely! My life is better now than I ever thought it could be when I was writing those notes in my journal, I now know that anything is possible with hope and courage!

when eating eats me

The moment I knew it was definitely time to get help for my eating disorder was after I had blacked out in my kitchen. One summer night in 2009 my roommate and I baked brownies for an evening treat and I didn’t hesitate to fill right up on that sugary goodness! The problem was I had not eaten much else the entire day. At the end of the evening we went back to the kitchen to wrap up the brownies and suddenly everything went black around me and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Delusional, I thought I had fallen asleep for about 30 seconds until I realized my roommate had caught me as I went unconscious for about 10 seconds. If I had eaten more food that day I would never have had such a dramatic sugar crash. This story is a great way to introduce what I would like to write a little bit about; the struggles of having and/or recovering from an eating disorder.

At this time it was really hard to talk about what was going on inside my head, I had a hard time expressing that trying to eat was eating at my mind and soul, and in turn I was doing terrible things to my body.  It was embarrassing that I didn’t feel comfortable eating like everyone else, and that I hated being in my own skin. I knew that I needed to do whatever it took to be healthy, and although I was ready, it was extremely hard and seemed like and endless process. I was constantly trying to muster up the courage to talk about it with trusted professionals and loved ones. It was really hard for me to feel all the feelings and anxieties of learning to eat and live healthily, but I found that a great way for me to get out all of these negative emotions was through writing.  I wrote a rap/poem in early 2010 right when I was starting to put an end to all of my eating disordered behavior, that I would like to share, and I think it expresses very well the anguish this situation was causing me.

There’s no surprise you can see it in my eyes, because I feel it in my thighs,

but I’ll keep eating all those pies, cakes and chocolate bars, 
it’s all I think about and it’s hard, it’s fuckin’ tearing me apart,
when all I dream about are tarts.

But eating them would not be smart, cuz it will bring me to the start, 
of this process I call art.

The fucking art of losing weight, and when it happens I’ll feel great.

Succeeding might take away the hate that is filling up my plate.

           I’m sick of being in this state of mind, I’m in a terrible bind,

           I know I’m one of a kind, but sometimes it’s hard to find light,

when all my clothes feel so tight, it keeps me awake at night, 
hoping I will win this fight. But I know it isn’t right, 
because I do this every time, constant restricting at it’s prime,

this many diet pills are fine, does it seem like a crime?

On my insides, and it’s affecting other lives.

But despite this finite point of view, it’s the hardest thing to do,

when all  want is to eat food, but I can’t because it’s rude to my mood and I dilute myself into believing eating is quite crude if I want to feel good nude… and I hate that this is true.

Writing this piece was a good way for me to let out what was going on in my head and also gave some insight into what I was doing to myself. Getting through my eating disordered behavior was the hardest thing I have done in my life so far. It was fully life consuming, causing depression, and anxiety that I had never experienced before. In the above writing it is clear the struggles my mind was going through and all the terrible things I was doing to myself. None of that would have changed and I probably would have permanently ruined my body (or worse) if I would not have gained the courage to seek help. I turned to the help of doctors at the University I was attending, as well as a therapist, and for a few months I also saw a Nutritionist who helped get me on a proper food plan over time. These people in combination with medication and my own persevering and constant efforts got me where I am today; eating happily and healthily and living my life!

 For now I am only sharing this small portion of my story because I would like to inspire and spread hope and for now not go so far in depth about my actual eating disorder struggles. I am open to questions and comments, and please feel free to reach out if you want to contact me personally; I understand the difficulties in voicing emotions and personal thoughts and I am more than happy to listen and help in any way I can! 

live life and love yourself!

apology to girls with positive body image

     This past weekend I was at a big music festival called Time Warp located every year in Mannheim, Germany. Many of the girls there were dressed in a way that I would usually describe as slutty. But then I thought to myself, what makes so many of these girls sluts?

      Most of these girls were actually not dressed to seek male attention, but simply dressed to impress all, and also it was extremely hot at this festival from all the people and all the dancing. I guess why I originally calculated these girls as sluts was because they were wearing clothes that I would certainly not be comfortable wearing. Very short shorts and a lot of stomachs showing, the place I try to hide the most. Almost none of these girls had their boobs out, and even less had on high heels; these girls clearly were not trying to “whore themselves out” like so many girls I have seen in the past.

     These girls did not dress for attention because of lack of self-esteem, it was the opposite. These girls had self-esteem and confidence in their bodies. Something I am trying desperately to build after having overcome an eating disorder. My next realization was that I must have been labeling girls as sluts and hating my own gender for years and I bet at least half of the time it was actually my own poor image of self that led me into judging other girls so quickly.

      So for that I am sorry. I am sorry to every girl that had confidence in her body that I immediately hated on and incorrectly labeled due to my own personal body image issues. I appreciate your self confidence and aspire to have the same positive body image as you one day!