can a season be a trigger?

Summer is my favourite season, I love the colours and the warm weather and sweet smells. I also love summer activities, swimming, biking, running, bbqing etc.  Summer makes me happy, but for about the last 10 years of my life, summer has also brought a lot of mental pain.  The first time I remember trying to lose weight it was at the end of the school year in Grade 11 when I had just turned 17. That was my anorexic summer. The next summer was the summer I remember arguing a lot with my family, admitting to my mom that I had an eating problem, and certainly not being ready to move away to University. Every summer after that for about 4 years this season meant diet pills and exercise so I could wear all my favourite clothes and bikini’s. One summer it got to be too much for me, the mental effects of my lack of food brought me to a place where weight and food were all I thought about, that was the summer I decided I needed out of this mental hell, and started on the recovery path.

Every summer since then it seems to be the same for me, feelings of anxiety. Wishing it would be easy to turn to my old habits so I could feel good in summer clothes. Feeling sadness that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I have to x out many options of attire I might wear including bikinis and anything strapless or form fitting. Every summer the acceptable length of shorts gets longer for me to the point where this year I hate wearing shorts, I don’t want to, I just want to buy dresses, but again my body type is hard to fit dresses correctly without it being too small on top or too big on the bottom.

I spend so much time lying around hating my body and the fact that I don’t feel like I look nice in summer clothes right now. This has consumed me for so many years. I was going to buy a summer pass for the pool in my village but I am now realizing the terror I feel this summer of being in a bathing suit (not even a bikini) in front of other people. It sucks. I know there are so many others out there that feel the same as I do, and even worse. I have come so far from that first summer, and I would never go back to my old eating disordered habits, but I just wish I knew how to stay positive! I know it helps to focus on what you like about yourself, but lately my problem is I am starting not to like those parts anymore since my recent weight gain due to physical illness and the halting of physical activity for a few months.

I want so bad to inspire others that have disordered eating that there is a better way, but it is still so hard for me most days to like my body and that was always the question “is it better to be skinny and miserable or normal size (feeling constantly fat) and miserable?”

The answer is definitely normal size, because at least I can focus on other things in life besides my body image, and that is worth the most, being able to live life!

The goal: not to care so much about how I feel in summer clothes, and just enjoy the summer!

the worst is over

Recently I started working out again after an excruciating and mandatory halt in physical activity that was forced upon me after two months of battling a UTI while continuing to work at my job. Apparently the physical stress of my job plus the internal stress from anti-biotics, ibuprofen and the infection itself caused pretty intense damage to my core, mainly my stomach and back muscles. As extraordinarily wonderful as it is to be able to exercise and to move without pain, I am now aware of all that I have gained. I don’t weigh myself because I know I personally don’t need to go down that road, and I have a hard time really looking at my body in the mirror for more than a second or two, so it is kind of easy to ignore what has slowly built up over time. It was about 4 months of not being able to get proper physical activity. 

So now when I am moving about and stretching, I feel what I have been avoiding looking at. It is a terrible horrible feeling. Less of my clothes are working for me these days and it is just becoming harder and harder to feel good or even ok about my body. I know that the worst is over now and I am on the path to becoming fit again but this takes time and as hard as I try I just can’t get passed the terrible thoughts and feelings about my body right now. I know it ultimately doesn’t matter but I just can’t get this out of me. I can’t stop wishing that I could be skinny again. I can’t stop hating the fact that I have a normal body now. I can’t stand that I feel uncomfortable when my boyfriend (who I live with) puts his hands on my stomach or legs, and now even my butt which usually I love. 

It really frustrates me that I can’t just accept my healthy body and be happy with myself. I love myself and my personality but when it comes to my body I can’t seem to find a way to work through the hate. I thought keeping positive and the passing time would be the answer but I didn’t realize time meant years. I don’t want to feel negative because I have a great life, and being able to be physical again does really help. It’s just that I spend so much time trying to stay positive and push the bad thoughts out, but they build up inside me and then attack. I have spent some time crying over it and being bummed out that this is still a part of my life but my life was so much worse and I am way better off now than when I was skinny. What I need is to find new ways of combating these negative thoughts and images, I am just not sure of how to do that yet.

size doesn't matter

I do not like the power clothing has over me, still. I try so hard not to care what size I am because sizes are different in every store. I am getting much better at not letting the size I have to buy bother me because I know ultimately it doesn’t matter. What still gets to me is when the season changes and I have to figure out if my clothes fit or not, and it fills me up with so much anxiety and sadness every time. I hate it. I know I am way healthier now and I love that but not being able to fit into clothes that I used to fit into makes me feel horrible. A lot of times I avoid trying some of my stuff on altogether because I don’t want the sadness and disappointment that comes along with it. 

Due to months of health/physical issues I know I weigh more than I did last year at this time, and I am terrified of trying on all of my shorts. I know most will “fit” but I don’t like fitted clothes and will feel super uncomfortable wearing them. I was having this conversation with my best friend who is in the same boat as me, and she did a really positive thing that I think I might have to do. She took one look at her shorts, knew they wouldn’t fit how she wanted, and got rid of them! Just like that! Luckily she can afford to buy a couple new pairs! I was so proud and inspired by what she did. I don’t have money at the moment to buy myself some new shorts but I think I will get rid of them anyway, I have plenty of dresses to last me until I have some money in a month or so. It just makes sense to not even go there if I know beforehand it isn’t going to go well. I am also curious if other people that have not battled an eating disorder have the same struggle I am having. It’s way more important for me to feel comfortable in my clothes than to worry about trying to fit into something that makes me uncomfortable and sad. 

when eating eats me

The moment I knew it was definitely time to get help for my eating disorder was after I had blacked out in my kitchen. One summer night in 2009 my roommate and I baked brownies for an evening treat and I didn’t hesitate to fill right up on that sugary goodness! The problem was I had not eaten much else the entire day. At the end of the evening we went back to the kitchen to wrap up the brownies and suddenly everything went black around me and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Delusional, I thought I had fallen asleep for about 30 seconds until I realized my roommate had caught me as I went unconscious for about 10 seconds. If I had eaten more food that day I would never have had such a dramatic sugar crash. This story is a great way to introduce what I would like to write a little bit about; the struggles of having and/or recovering from an eating disorder.

At this time it was really hard to talk about what was going on inside my head, I had a hard time expressing that trying to eat was eating at my mind and soul, and in turn I was doing terrible things to my body.  It was embarrassing that I didn’t feel comfortable eating like everyone else, and that I hated being in my own skin. I knew that I needed to do whatever it took to be healthy, and although I was ready, it was extremely hard and seemed like and endless process. I was constantly trying to muster up the courage to talk about it with trusted professionals and loved ones. It was really hard for me to feel all the feelings and anxieties of learning to eat and live healthily, but I found that a great way for me to get out all of these negative emotions was through writing.  I wrote a rap/poem in early 2010 right when I was starting to put an end to all of my eating disordered behavior, that I would like to share, and I think it expresses very well the anguish this situation was causing me.

There’s no surprise you can see it in my eyes, because I feel it in my thighs,

but I’ll keep eating all those pies, cakes and chocolate bars, 
it’s all I think about and it’s hard, it’s fuckin’ tearing me apart,
when all I dream about are tarts.

But eating them would not be smart, cuz it will bring me to the start, 
of this process I call art.

The fucking art of losing weight, and when it happens I’ll feel great.

Succeeding might take away the hate that is filling up my plate.

           I’m sick of being in this state of mind, I’m in a terrible bind,

           I know I’m one of a kind, but sometimes it’s hard to find light,

when all my clothes feel so tight, it keeps me awake at night, 
hoping I will win this fight. But I know it isn’t right, 
because I do this every time, constant restricting at it’s prime,

this many diet pills are fine, does it seem like a crime?

On my insides, and it’s affecting other lives.

But despite this finite point of view, it’s the hardest thing to do,

when all  want is to eat food, but I can’t because it’s rude to my mood and I dilute myself into believing eating is quite crude if I want to feel good nude… and I hate that this is true.

Writing this piece was a good way for me to let out what was going on in my head and also gave some insight into what I was doing to myself. Getting through my eating disordered behavior was the hardest thing I have done in my life so far. It was fully life consuming, causing depression, and anxiety that I had never experienced before. In the above writing it is clear the struggles my mind was going through and all the terrible things I was doing to myself. None of that would have changed and I probably would have permanently ruined my body (or worse) if I would not have gained the courage to seek help. I turned to the help of doctors at the University I was attending, as well as a therapist, and for a few months I also saw a Nutritionist who helped get me on a proper food plan over time. These people in combination with medication and my own persevering and constant efforts got me where I am today; eating happily and healthily and living my life!

 For now I am only sharing this small portion of my story because I would like to inspire and spread hope and for now not go so far in depth about my actual eating disorder struggles. I am open to questions and comments, and please feel free to reach out if you want to contact me personally; I understand the difficulties in voicing emotions and personal thoughts and I am more than happy to listen and help in any way I can! 

live life and love yourself!

apology to girls with positive body image

     This past weekend I was at a big music festival called Time Warp located every year in Mannheim, Germany. Many of the girls there were dressed in a way that I would usually describe as slutty. But then I thought to myself, what makes so many of these girls sluts?

      Most of these girls were actually not dressed to seek male attention, but simply dressed to impress all, and also it was extremely hot at this festival from all the people and all the dancing. I guess why I originally calculated these girls as sluts was because they were wearing clothes that I would certainly not be comfortable wearing. Very short shorts and a lot of stomachs showing, the place I try to hide the most. Almost none of these girls had their boobs out, and even less had on high heels; these girls clearly were not trying to “whore themselves out” like so many girls I have seen in the past.

     These girls did not dress for attention because of lack of self-esteem, it was the opposite. These girls had self-esteem and confidence in their bodies. Something I am trying desperately to build after having overcome an eating disorder. My next realization was that I must have been labeling girls as sluts and hating my own gender for years and I bet at least half of the time it was actually my own poor image of self that led me into judging other girls so quickly.

      So for that I am sorry. I am sorry to every girl that had confidence in her body that I immediately hated on and incorrectly labeled due to my own personal body image issues. I appreciate your self confidence and aspire to have the same positive body image as you one day!