amy winehouse: a diamond in the rough

Something has been plaguing me for over a week and I think it's about time I wrote about it.

Amy Winehouse

To be completely honest I am not one to listen to the radio or follow the lives of the rich and famous. I didn't know much about Amy Winehouse, I had heard a couple songs and knew I liked her voice, raw and with a different edge than a lot of other famous lady singers. When sometimes hearing about her tales of destruction, I wrote her off as another girl starving for attention. When I found out she died watching youtube videos of herself, I think I may have laughed a little, seeing it as an act of vanity. These were all my first impressions because my only information came through hearsay of the media. This must have been most peoples impression of her. 

Last weekend an interest sparked when I heard someone on "Deutschland sucht den Superstar" (Germany's American Idol) singing  Rehab, the only song I was familiar with. I am very passionate about singing and find it really lifts my mood to really let loose and sing as loud and wonderfully as I can, and when being reminded of Amy Winehouse I thought, I would like to learn to sing a few of her songs. Remembering that she died a couple of years ago I looked her up on Wikipedia. There is a lot of information about her musical career (rightfully so), but there seems to be even more information about her personal life, having drug and alcohol problems, relationship problems. It tells a lot about how much the media attacked her. There is slight mention of an eating disorder, but not much information is given as to why these problems were in her life. All that is written is that her parents divorced when she was nine, and she took it hard when her grandmother died because she was a big musical influence for Amy. 

I thought, 'that's it?' really? So I researched further. Trying to figure out what lead her down the path of destruction. I only could find the information that she had been battling bulimia since the age of 17, that she struggled with self harm, that her abusive on again off again relationship with Blake Fielder-Civil was the cause of her drug problem. 

I started to feel more and more sad for her. No one, not even Amy herself, seemed to care about what was really troubling her. I watched a few videos on YouTube, including some from her final live performance , (says Amy is 'drugged out of her mind' but I am 95% sure she is just drunk) and I couldn't help but start to cry. As someone who has battled an eating disorder and drug addiction, I could see so clearly that she was destroyed inside and out. I got angry, why didn't anyone help her? Why did the media attack her constantly instead of trying to get to the root of the problem. Why are the problems of celebrities blown so out of proportion but not looked into further than the destruction's caused? Why was her eating disorder pushed aside to the public when it is just as crucial a medical problem, especially when drugs and alcohol are part of everyday life? Her brother Alex seemed to be the only one that truly understood the seriousness of her bulimia, to the point he expressed it was the cause of her accidental death. I know ultimately Amy was responsible for her own actions and refused professional recovery multiple times but I feel like more could have been done to help. Everyone was too busy gossiping about her bad behavior, but no one took the time to try and understand that bad behavior can also be due to extreme mental problems.

In my opinion, the media didn't pay as much attention to Amy's eating disorder because drug and alcohol problems are more dramatic and also more visible. It is way easier to write a 'successful' story about the antics caused by intoxication rather than the self-harm caused by an eating disorder. It is much easier for the public to handle a situation that seems as though someone is acting out of control rather than mentally out of control. The media had a horrible approach to Amy's weight fluctuation that was clearly due to eating problems. There are many pictures of a skeletal like Amy holding giant bags of McDonalds food. After she quit drugs for good, she appears to "gain weight and have a muffin top" but looking at the rest of her body she is extremely underweight, and it is very clear to me that she actually has the belly bump of someone that is malnourished and addicted to alcohol.

                                          

I wish that the media didn't hold such authority over the lives of the public, as well as the lives of celebrities. Looking into Amy's life was the first time it really registered what kind of impact the media can have for those being reported about. Any celebrity must be in total mental control to not let the masses bring them down. Reporters and paparazzi are like sharks, one drop of blood and from far and wide they come to feed. I truly feel sorry for the continually growing number of celebrities that succumb to the pressures they feel and end up with drug/alcohol problems and eating disorders or intense weight fluctuation. All are seriously harmful to the body and mind. 

It seems unfair to me that just because someone is famous they must remain perfect and in total control. Fame or not, people are people and almost everyone struggles with some kind of mental or physical issue in their life. Everyone deserves a chance, everyone makes mistakes in their life.

Maybe if the media wouldn't have been so consistently harsh to Amy Winehouse, she would still be here.  it is a shame her personal life became more important to the media and to the masses, which in my opinion is what ultimately destroyed her. 

At least we can forever enjoy her musical talent and distinctly soulful voice, and as sad as it is, at least she is now at peace.

stoner queen pt.2

I am never sure about posting what I like to call my raps, because they might not translate as well into poems. But actually they all tell a story and today I will share my most recent rap, and probably the one I am most proud of, about my problems with marijuana

Here we go again, I'm stoned again, feeling at home again,

did you know you're my most loyal friend?
With possibilities that never end, all the rules I can bend, can't wait to tend to my addiction;

it's not fiction, I need to feel the friction in my life, didn't realize the strife it caused,

the fact that I had formed a clause.

Here's to you and me, colour kelly green, have you seen what it brings to me?

The possibility to eat, keep going that sweet beat in my head, get my shit read.

All problems are dead in these moments, trying to own it, condone it, 

the fact that maybe I still can't control it.

it's the opponent, but I thought of us as teammates, we can always relate, when I am in this state,

 I feel fucking great.

Here I see what's going on, when I'm with you I feel calm and strong, time to hit another bong;

this is where I belong writing songs, well, rhymes. No matter how many times I fall, stall,

or hit a wall. I'll turn to you, so true, maybe today I'll make a breakthrough,

move to uncharted territory, as I continue to tell my story.

I have a theory, a query, about why it makes me think so clearly, have more desire,

feel the fire and passion and emotional attachment; give me the will to action,

and without it feel a fraction of the thrill, the pleasure in each day, but am I wasting away?

Giving up on shit before it starts instead of following my heart, there for me from the start

while I'm denying that you're tearing me apart.

And I'd be lying if I said I'd figured this out before now, I'm kind of realizing as I'm writing this down.

Better take off my crown, to being stoner queen,

I'm not trying to be mean but from what I've seen I could smoke most people clean.

Now that's in the past gotta learn fast how to make a vast improvement, in my self development movement. It better not get arrested, but I guess I tend to test it, cuz I'm getting bested,

eyes red, I'll get this yet...

Something I am always working on is trying to set boundries with smoking pot. I find it easier that others sometimes, and I also think pot helps me in terms of being an HSP. I feel it helps ease some of my anxiety throughout the day and can also help me let out my emotions if I have been trying to move past them which for me doesn't seem to work. It can be really challenging for me because I tend to indulge myself with what feels good to me and for me so finding a balance so I can ease my mind but still accomplish what I need to in a day can be tricky. I am doing much better than I used to know that I at least know this can be a problem. There is always room for growth and I definitely keep in mind not to be run by marijuana, but to let it be a sort of therapy in my life.

job hunting at it's worst

It’s that dreaded time, looking for a new job. A stressful and draining task for most people, but for me this task can bring on extreme anxiety very quickly. To add to the fire, I live in Germany and though I have made great improvements in learning the language I can only carry on a simple conversation, and I cannot speak as well as I can understand. I feel even more anxiety because I am not sure if my language skills are high enough for the jobs I might want to do. Being an HSP also heightens my anxiety about work because I am easily overstimulated and feel I can’t handle “normal” working hours. I tend to choose easier jobs like serving or retail but then I am under stimulated and bored and quickly fall into what the book “Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person” calls drudgery. It seems it will be hard for me to find work in my life that makes me happy or keeps me satisfied for more than a short period of time. Many HSP’s find they are happiest being self-employed. I don’t know where I want to go. I have a University degree in Theater Studies, and since graduating I have wanted to stay far away from that world. I hated most of school, it was really hard for me to stay focused on my studies while battling an eating disorder and depression, and I was forced into taking a bunch of Theater courses that I really didn’t like. I did it though! Forcing myself to finish something I didn’t really care about sucked but I did it! Since a couple years have passed I have had time to reflect on the parts of Theater and studying it that I liked. I am seriously considering applying to a couple of Theaters around the area and hope to get in doing some kind of background or set work. Maybe the Theater would be a nice place to work. But there are only 2 or 3 Theaters around here and I am really scared I won’t get a job.  I have no idea of another job I might be able to handle right now, with my personality and also my lacking of language skills. I don’t want another pointless job. I would love to get paid to write on my own time. That would be an ideal job for me. If anyone has any words of encouragement or suggestions I would love to hear them.

sometimes a dream is just that.

Have you ever given up on a dream? Seriously thought that you could attain it, only to find something blocking the way? Maybe it was an obstacle, or maybe it was the mind. I gave up my dream of wanting to be in the world of acting. I wanted to be involved with television comedy mostly. But I have given up that dream and there are a few reasons but the main one is how skinny most of the woman are in this business. Even worse is how many I see fall from a normal weight to super thin. Super thin used to be what I wanted to look like. Life looks easier somehow for people that have no weight on them. After years of recovering I truly see less beauty in the super  thin than I used to, it makes me super sad that so many girls/women in this business feel the need to attain such an unrealistic standard, they are contributing to the eating disorders of so many girls and women out there. Is it their fault:? To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Maybe a lot of these ladies also feel the pressure to reach this unataniable goal and once they have some money and resources they can actually attain it and perhaps rid themselves of this pressure... That was my fear, the giving in to pressure to look a certain way when I know I cannot achieve that in a healthy manner. I wouldn't want the fame that comes with acting, being watched in other areas of my life. I don't want the pressure to be a certain way, I just want to be me finally. I think that for now that means staying away from the pressures of that world. I can express my creativity and talent in many other ways, and maybe one day I will feel strong enough to try and live out that dream!

the desire for food comes from another place

They always say that having an eating disorder is not really about the food. Well, it becomes a little bit more about the food when you smoke marijuana every day. By a little a mean a lot. *warning, there are some descriptive parts of my eating disordered behavior not everyone will want to read*

Eating disorders usually represent a grasp for control over ones life. The ability to control how much food you eat and when. The ability to control what your body looks like, to hide the horror inside. Pretty much all of that control is thrown out as soon as I decide getting stoned will ease my mind. Not only does the hunger set in even more, but the desire for sugar, food, anything that tastes good, is amplified greatly. I found that by restricting what I was eating in the day would really effect how much I would eat when I got stoned in the evening. I would eat whatever I could. Anything that had sugar in it, anything you could consider a snack. I hated eating meals but would fill my face until I wanted to puke with things that had pretty much no nutritional value. This was my life for a few years. Of course these binge sessions were followed by extreme guilt and the need to purge. But when I say that I do not mean throwing up! Not once have I made myself throw up after eating (although I did try a few times). My ways of purging were through exercise and diet pills/laxatives. What a terrible cycle I brought myself into, and it took way too long to get out of it. But what I did find, was that when I started eating more healthy food, I had less cravings (even when stoned) for yummy treats, and when I did eat them, enjoyed eating less and didn't need to get my hands on every snack type thing possible.

Today marijuana still has a say in what I want to eat and how much I eat. I find that I have the ability to eat way more food when I am stoned and that the desire for food and to cook is way higher. If not stoned then I have a hard time eating enough food and find that I don't care much about meals or different things. It helps me to eat more and healthier, which is good and bad. When I can smoke weed I give myself the opportunity to eat correctly, although I also still eat too many snacks/goodies, I have much more control over it than I did in the past. It is bad because without it I still feel like there might be some lingering behaviors that could creep in without this constant desire for food. An issue I will have to deal with someday but I am not sure how close or far that day is.