stoner queen

thanks to positive feedback left by my question earlier today on Google+ I have decided to share about how drug addiction has entered/left/effected my life. Today I will just share a bit about my addiction and love of Marijuana.

Marijuana (or weed as I like to call it) is by far my favourite drug, inside and out. Now I will also have to tell you that I struggle with needing it at times, I do not want to call myself “addicted”, but there was definitely I time when I was but I didn't know, I didn't realize until I moved to Germany, and because I moved in with a host family, I couldn't sit on the couch with my bong and smoke from when I woke up until when I went to bed. Yes, if I was not working, I would be stoned all day. I didn't see a reason why not. I was getting everything done that I needed to, maybe it took a little longer, but it didn't halt any progress in my life. But I know that I needed it because every time, I would seek it out while I still had some left, I didn't want to be without it, just in case. In case of what? Would I die if I didn't have it? Would one day be slightly more boring? This was a problem for sure. I am not like this now, but I have worked my way back up to several times a day when it is available. Now it is just something to look forward to everyday, before it was my day. Another thing I found when I went from all the time to sometimes was that I wasn't really motivated to do anything unless I got stoned. Even if I didn't feel like doing it in the moment, it would get me excited and make me want to work on something specific later on in the day. This just doesn't seem right to me. Weed gives me more motivation? It also helps me eat. I have so much more desire to eat, and make myself good food, when I get stoned. Recently I realized that I have also been using weed as a crutch in getting over my eating disorder. Food is so much more appealing to me in general when I am getting stoned, like with all people, but for me it is positive and negative. It is good that it makes me want to eat, but it is bad because I still need it in some way. I can go without it now, but I function so much better when weed is a regular part of my life. Recently I have been thinking that this is because I am an HSP and smoking pot really helps calm me down and look at things from a more logical instead of emotional point of view. It dulls my senses a little so I can live a bit easier. Or is this just my normal because I have spent almost 8 years of my life this way? I am not sure, but I am sure that it makes me happy, helps as a sort of therapy, and it keeps me going so why fight it? This is still my reasoning, and I know I am not going to do anything about it. I know that I will continue this lifestyle because it is one addiction I can keep that doesn't take over my life completely, like it and others have in the past.

This is just a little thought process of mine. I have many stories and also have had other drug addictions as well but I thought this was a good place to start. Feel free to ask me any questions!

it's in my head again

One of the worst parts about recovering from an eating disorder, is relapse. For so many reasons. I found that each relapse was worse and more damaging than the last. The thing that bothers me the most about relapse, is how slowly and silently it can creep in, and suddenly snatch you away before you even knew it was coming. I was free from eating disordered behavior for approximately 2 years until I moved to a new country. Away from friends and family, it was easy to slip down the slope from eating healthy to not wanting or caring about food. I want to share a rap that I wrote near the end of 2012 when I agonized for over a week whether or not to fully welcome my eating disorder back into my life

It’s getting in my head again, what has changed? 

Well, almost everything.

I can’t believe it could happen again, not saying it would but i’m rappin’ again

I’m worried because I promised myself not one more time

 But these feelings just aren’t healing and I’m not sure what kind of dealing

I feel like handling right now. 

I’m hoping admitting this won’t make it worse but these words keep invading my mind,

 I’m not blind, I want to listen to them

I know it’s so damn wrong and I’m not calm but there seems to be a palm reading going on

I’m strong but a part of me just wants to give in, like a sin, under my skin I just want to feel thin,

but I don’t want to pay the price, I’ve probably paid it more than twice, but am I willing to roll the dice? This is my warning cry, because if this happens again I might die, I don’t want to try those chances.

 No more dances or romances,

fuck that I’m not even 25 and I still feel so alive I must strive to survive

because now I love life

I just want it to be known that no matter how many times you relapse, or consider relapsing, getting out is always possible!

it will get better

Sometimes I need to read old journals to remind myself of how far I have come and how much happier I am today even living in bad body image prison. It is true. I would rather live here for the rest of my life than spiral into the depths of hell that is having an eating disorder. I know from what I have read that life totally free of Ed exists, but I am not there yet. That's okay though, because looking back on the past few years I can clearly see I am leaps and bounds from where I was, and I am positive that I will not reenter the world of disordered eating. It is hard but SO possible to get here! I wanted to share three short sequential entries I wrote in one of my many journals while going trough recovery (I think these were written late 2009/ early 2010), to show that it is possible to be at a terrible low, and make it out and stay out!

all I can do is think about it, and I hurt. It's the pills. I'm so scared because if I tell anyone about them it becomes real. And I'll feel stupid. I want to feel like people are talking about it. THAT is fucked. I can't sleep because I just want to feel skinny. It's been soooo long. I wish I saw myself like everyone else. I didn't expect to go through this again. It sucks.

I find that drastically altering your eating/exercise habits is the best way to get quick results, but I'm going to suffer. I fucking hate winter, so windy and grey. The flurries look like millions of bugs. I keep trying to distract myself so I won't feel bad. I can't believe I let this happen. I hate saying it because I know it's not really true but I feel so huge. And I feel hungry all the time. Hungry and sick, so sick, what do I do? Love Love, is all you need!!

every morning I wake up feeling sad and lifeless. I must force myself to be happy throughout the day and suck it up so I don't seem selfish or spoiled. And I'm way too needy. I don't know how to fix myself, I can fix everyone else though. I need to learn how to deal better. But I just wish I felt there was nothing I had to deal with. I just want to feel fine. I hate being all over the place. I hate how no one will get it or be able to help me. I hate how much I've been crying. Winter is the worst thing about life. I wish it was possible to fast forward through all this shittyness. I feel fucking stupid.

This wasn't my last relapse, and it wasn't my worst either, but I don't want to share my stories or inside of my mind just to prove how bad things were in my life. I want it to be known that even though things may seem like they won't get better, they can and do! I was so negative about almost all aspects of my life, and now (after years of work) my attitude has changed extremely! My life is better now than I ever thought it could be when I was writing those notes in my journal, I now know that anything is possible with hope and courage!